CNN has a very interesting article about couples who literally can’t stand sleeping in the same bed with each other. Now I’ve been married four years and I can kind of understand what they are talking about. Here’s my story:
My wife and I have very different schedules. I’m a night owl. At about 10:30 at night I’m wide awake and getting ready to enjoy a few hours of comedy on TV. My wife, however, is ready to crash right then. That’s when our little dance begins. She’ll start to ask, “Are you sure you don’t want to come to bed?” Now if this meant sex, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But what she really means is, “Hey, I’m going to be cold and I need your legs to help warm up my feet.” I don’t have any desire for my legs to be used as a hot pad, so I politely decline. She usually doesn’t like this and will then ask, “Why don’t you ever come to bed right now?” See above. Sometimes my wife decides to fall asleep on the couch with her head on my lap. I like this sometimes, but some other times it can be very annoying. Once she’s asleep, I can’t move. If I do move and wake her up, she gets mad. “Why did you wake me up?! I was sleeping, jerk!” To remedy this situation I usually have to watch ‘Family Guy‘. My wife hates it and the mere sound of it will send her fleeing to the bedroom grumbling the whole way.
Finally, I’m tired enough to go to bed. Now comes the interesting part of trying to get into be without waking the dormant beast. Occasionally, I’ll enter the room and am greeting with some weird request or phrase. This means that my wife is asleep but has decided to hold a conversation with me.
“Hey, you have to share the shower.”
“What?”
“You have to share the shower.”
I decide to play along.
“Share it with who?”
“With me.”
“Okay.”
Now, at this point I can just lay down and laugh to myself that my wife says retarded things while sleeping, or I can push my luck and try to ask her more questions. I’m stupid, so I ask more questions.
“Why do we have to share the shower?”
“What?”
“Why do we have to share the shower?”
“Leave me alone.”
This is when she wakes up. Of course she’s mad and she leans over and cocks her arm, ready to fire.
“Seriously, leave me alone or get out of here.”
Taking the cue, I go to sleep on the couch. I like my couch.
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Dude, I go through exactly the same thing, except I stay up to play video games. One time when I walked in, my wife asked me in her sleep, “Do you want a cookie???”
Of course I said YES!