Hippos in movies

So, tonight is the Oscars and people will be focusing on movies that nobody has seen and stroking each other’s already huge egos.  And I’ll be tuning in along with everyone else.  But that’s not the focus of this post.  In this post I will focus on a subject that I address in my act.  As most of you know, my high school mascot was a hippo.  I often try to explain to people that hippos are incredibly dangerous and are one of the only animals that can’t be trained to be in movies.  Then I realize that I’ve never watched a movie and thought, “You know what this movie needs? Hippos!”

Having said that, I took some time last night to think about a few movies that would have been better with hippos in them. I’ve narrowed those movies to five gems.  And now, here is:  Spencer’s list of 5 movies that would have been better with hippos and that all, oddly enough, star Tom Hanks.

#5:  Big

The classic tale of a boy who just wanted to be big and woke up one morning to find, he was big.  Since we’re working with such a believable premise already I don’t think there would be a problem in adding the minor detail of him not only turning big, but becoming a hippo.  Hippos are big by nature and that would work great with the premise.  Of course, then you’d have no reason to have Tom Hanks in the movie.  We can’t have that, so how about instead of dancing on a giant keyboard with his boss he played a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with him instead?

#4: Saving Private Ryan

Who wouldn’t love a random scene in the movie where an escaped hippo from a local zoo came and trampled some German soldiers?  Or it could have been a twist that ‘Private Ryan’ wasn’t a soldier at all, but a hippo that somehow got lost behind enemy lines.

#3:  The Burbs

There are probably a lot of you that don’t remember this movie, but it’s a classic.  Now imagine that the murderous family next door wasn’t just killing people.  Instead, they were feeding them to a giant monster hippo that they have concealed in the basement.  Now that’s a kick ass movie!

#2:  Forrest Gump

Considering all the things that Forrest was able to do in the movie, and the number of other ridiculous things he did in the book by Winston Groom, I think it only logical that he become a succesful breeder of seeing eye hippos.  Also, Lt. Dan could have used a hippo to get around instead of a wheel chair.

#1:  Turner & Hooch

Hooch is a hippo.  Need I say more?

What movies do you think would have been better with hippos?

Tagged as: hippos, list, movies, tom hanks