Letters to People Who Annoy Me: Volume 2

By Spencer King
Letters to people who annoy me: Volume 2
Dear Tiger Woods,
Nice story about your heroic wife busting out the window of your Escalade to save you from a fiery crash.  Why didn’t she just open the door?  And, what was she doing with a golf club at 2:30 in the morning?  Sounds like you might have a bigger problem on your hands than just meeting the deductible on your auto insurance.
Good luck with that,
Spencer King
Dear Michael McClean,
Every year you treat us to your show “The Forgotten Carols”. Did I say treat? What I meant was, charge people $25 bucks. I hate to be the one to say it, but there’s a reason those carols are forgotten.  Why would I pay $25 bucks to watch a group of four homeless men singing around an oil drum with a fire in it when I can go to Pioneer Park or behind the Gateway and see that for free?  When I saw your show there was a moth flying around the stage that was more interesting.
Still trying to forget,
Spencer King
ps. That hair piece isn’t fooling anyone.
Dear Kanye West,
Satan called.  He says he’ll give you your soul back if you just stop performing and go away. Also, he says your mom says ‘Hi’.
See you in hell,
Spencer King
Dear Barack Obama,
Thank you for the support that you’ve shown the troops overseas. It’s good to see that you will help those fighting in Afghanistan by sending 30,000 additional troops which are sorely needed.  I know you have a lot on your plate with fighting two wars and trying to decide what to do about Iran and North Korea.  Oh, by the way, congrats on your Nobel PEACE prize!!
A fan, and fellow warmonger,
Spencer King
Dear White House Secret Service,
Thank you for making it painfully obvious how easy it would be to get to the president of the United States.  I’m sure there are many people and organizations that are so excited to know that they too can send send someone to meet the President.  I’m pretty sure I could buy a better security  system from a young college student going door to door.
From inside the White House,
Spencer King
Dear Couple who snuck into the White House,
I’m impressed that you were able to get past the multiple security checkpoints without having to shimmy through an air duct.  I have two words for you: Jack Bauer.  It’s a good thing he isn’t real or right now you’d be in a bunker somewhere with broken kneecaps explaining where the bomb is.
If you try to sneak in my house I’ll shoot you,
Spencer King

letters-you-keepLetters to people who annoy me: Volume 2

Dear Tiger Woods,

Nice story about your heroic wife busting out the window of your Escalade to save you from a fiery crash.  Why didn’t she just open the door?  And, what was she doing with a golf club at 2:30 in the morning?  Sounds like you might have a bigger problem on your hands than just meeting the deductible on your auto insurance.

Good luck with that,

Spencer King

Dear Michael McLean,

Every year you treat us to your show “The Forgotten Carols”. Did I say treat? What I meant was, charge people $25 bucks. I hate to be the one to say it, but there’s a reason those carols are forgotten.  Why would I pay $25 bucks to watch a group of four homeless men singing around an oil drum with a fire in it when I can go to Pioneer Park or behind the Gateway and see that for free?  When I saw your show there was a moth flying around the stage that was more interesting.

Still trying to forget,

Spencer King

ps. That hair piece isn’t fooling anyone.

Dear Kanye West,

Satan called.  He says he’ll give you your soul back if you just stop performing and go away. Also, he says your mom says ‘Hi’.

See you in hell,

Spencer King

Dear Barack Obama,

Thank you for the support that you’ve shown the troops overseas. It’s good to see that you will help those fighting in Afghanistan by sending 30,000 additional troops which are sorely needed.  I know you have a lot on your plate with fighting two wars and trying to decide what to do about Iran and North Korea.  Oh, by the way, congrats on your Nobel PEACE prize!!

A fan, and fellow warmonger,

Spencer King

Dear White House Secret Service,

Thank you for making it painfully obvious how easy it would be to get to the president of the United States.  I’m sure there are many people and organizations that are so excited to know that they too can send send someone to meet the President.  I’m pretty sure I could buy a better security  system from a young college student going door to door.

From inside the White House,

Spencer King

Dear Couple who snuck into the White House,

I’m impressed that you were able to get past the multiple security checkpoints without having to shimmy through an air duct.  I have two words for you: Jack Bauer.  It’s a good thing he isn’t real or right now you’d be in a bunker somewhere with broken kneecaps explaining where the bomb is.

If you try to sneak in my house I’ll shoot you,

Spencer King

Filed in: Random Musings, Stupid Celebrities • Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
 

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About

Spencer King is quickly becoming one of the most exciting comedians to watch. His insights to everything from penguins to marriage make him a can't-miss favorite at comedy clubs across the country. He has been featured in various comedy festivals across the country including, The Seattle International Comedy Competition, and the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival. His comedy has been described as 'pleasantly irreverent' and he's sure to make you smile. In fact, his new album 'Pleasantly Irreverent' is available for purchase on this very site!