Guy or Girl?

So, I’m at this Burger King, chowing down on a Texas Double Whopper.  The door opens and three teenagers enter the establishment: two girls and a…?  The third one I couldn’t tell.  The trend in teenagers dressing androgynous is really starting to piss me off.  I don’t care about how they dress, I would just like to know what sex they are.  If you dress ambiguous, you should have an indicator of what sex you are.  Maybe something like those “Hello, my name is…” stickers except they would say, “Hello, I am a…” and then they could put male or female.  One of the basic instincts of a human being is to be able to tell male from female and these little bastards are screwing with my head.

I’m not saying that they should dress a certain way, just let me know what sex you are so I don’t embarass myself.  If you’re a woman but feel like you’re a man, then get a sex change so you can be a man and vice versa.  I’m sure that hetero and homosexuals would feel the same way.  They all want to know what they’re hitting on.  If I was gay, I’d be pissed to find out that the ‘guy’ I was hitting on was actually a woman.

I’m sure this post is going to piss some of you off. Oh well.

King of the Idiots!

Apparently even if you’re not making fun of Obama, as long as one person thinks you are, then you’re a racist.  At least that’s what Al Sharpton is trying to tell us.  A New York Post cartoon that featured a chimpanzee is being considered a racist cartoon.  I read the cartoon and didn’t think it was an attack at Obama.  I think it was an attack at all politicians in general.  But, because Al Sharpton and the “P.C. Squad” feel like it’s racist, they have to get all pissed off.  Apparently any attempt to lampoon the government under the Obama presidency is going to be labeled racist by Al Sharpton the super-idiot.

First it’s cartoonists, and then it’ll be on to comedians.  People wonder why there aren’t that many Obama jokes.  Well, the answer is simple.  People are freaked out about being labeled a racist.  And since the country is still in love with Obama, any jab or lampoon at him will undoubtedly be labelled as racist.  I love our country.

Who said Al Sharpton would be the deciding vote on what is or isn’t racist?  I didn’t agree to that.  In fact, I think he’s an idiot.  I’d also go so far as to say that he should be crowned the ‘King of The Idiots.’

By now I’m sure that you’ve all heard this story.  Apparently, the rhythm of the Bee Gees song, ‘Stayin Alive’ is just about the best beat for when you’re doing CPR compressions.  The 103 beats per minute are extremely close to the 100 chest compressions per minute during CPR.  The beat is also really close to Queen’s hit, ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ but that’s not really as positive of a song.  So, if a disco hit can help when giving CPR, there must also be other songs that can help with other tasks.  I’ve listened to countless songs and put together the following list of songs that help because of either rhythm or lyrics.  And now:

Spencer’s list of useful songs

Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head – B.J. Thomas

Oddly enough the rhythm of this song is perfect for when you’re caught on fire and need to stop drop and roll.  The timing of when you should roll back and forth coincides perfectly with the mellow tune.  Also, if you think of the tune while you’re rolling it also has a very calm soothing effect.  And if your not out by the end of the song it speeds up a little to let you know that you’d better hurry and get that fire out.  This song also helps if you’re surrounded by the Bolivian military.

Under Pressure – David Bowie w/ Queen

This song is perfect for opening those stingy ketchup bottles or pickle jars.  Just apply pressure with the beat and soon it will be open.  Also useful for opening up pesky bags of chips.  And the second half of the song is perfect for the frustration when the bag explodes and goes flying everywhere, and the subsequent temper tantrum that follows.

Zombies – The Cranberries

This rhythm of this song is helpful if you actually happen to be running away from zombies.  It’s a slow but steady beat which if you’ve ever seen a zombie movie is more than enough to outrun any zombies.  Zombies move really slow.  Of course they could be ’28 Days Later’ zombies, which would mean this song is worthless.  The rhythm also provides a great beat in which to pummel a zombies head in.  In fact it even tells you to hit them ‘in your head’.  Also it lists a couple of useful weapons to use against zombies: Tanks, bombs, and guns.

White Wedding – Billy Idol

If I learned anything from the movie ‘The Wedding Singer’ it was that if you have to get to a wedding quickly, either to be married or to stop it, nothing helps you hurry like this song.  Thanks to the 80′s montage qualities of this song, you will be whisked away to your location in a matter of seconds instead of a matter of hours.  And upon arrival everything will work out fine, and you’ll drive off into the sunset with your woman in a sweet ride.

So, anybody out there have other useful songs?  Please feel free to comment.

I just read an article on the British publication, The Sun’s website about a festival in Peru where they serve up fried cats.  Apparently eating the crispy kitties is supposed to help bronchitis and serve as an aphrodesiac. While I don’t condone eating kittens, and I probably wouldn’t eat someone’s pet, (unless they made me angry and then I’d probably grill it) I can understand how we often view another cultures traditions as bizarre because we’re not used to what they are doing.

Now having said that, there are some animals that aren’t traditionally eaten that I would love to try.  And since I’m a comedian and can make this kinda funny, I’m going to list my top 10 animals that I would love to eat if it weren’t considered weird or illegal.

Spencer’s Top 10 List of animals he would eat if it weren’t considered weird or illegal

#10.  Goldfish

There’s just something about their big old eyes that make me think, “What are you looking at?  I’ll bet you wouldn’t look at me that way if you knew I was about to eat you.”  I can imagine that deep frying them after rolling them around in some batter would be pretty tasty.  Of course you’d have to also give them a little splash of lemon as well.

#9.  Ants

Now the main problem with ants is that they can bite you back.  Also, it’s really hard to get enough together so that when you eat them it’s satisfying.  Be sure to chew really well though.  If you forget one it could bite your esophagus on the way down or even start to crawl back out.  Nothing could be more embarrassing than talking to someone and having an ant crawl out of your mouth.

#8.  African Pygmy Hedgehogs

That’s right Sonic.  Time for you to get in my belly.  The trick to eating a hedgehog is making sure that you cook it long enough so that the quills come off really easy.  I’m sure the tender parts on the belly side would be an excellent experience for your pallet.  Also, a hedgehog comes with the added bonus of coming with it’s own set of toothpicks.

#7.  Llamas

If cows are tasty then llamas must be heavenly.  I’d love to bite into a nice hunk of tough neck meat.  Of course, llamas do tend to be stinky but I’m not sure if that would translate over into the taste of their meat.  Also, if we could eat llamas the movie “Napolean Dynamite” would have been just a little more interesting.  “Tina you fat lard, come and be our dinner!”

#6.  Baby Deer

I know it’s horrible, but if we can eat baby cows there shouldn’t be anything wrong with munching on a little bit of Bambi.

#5.  Piranhas

Actually, I have eaten piranha and I have to say it’s one of the boniest fish I’ve ever eaten.  I just get a satisfaction out of eating something that could have well been eating me a moment or two before.  Speaking of which, that brings us to our next guy.

#4.  Lions

People should be able to show those guys that they are the top of the food chain.  Besides, I’ll bet if you eat a lion it makes you stronger.

#3.  Bald Eagles

Now before you run me out of the country just hear me out.  If it was up to Ben Franklin the national bird would have been a turkey.  That means on Thanksgiving we’d probably be eating bald eagles instead.  Mmm, pass that gravy would you, Grandma.

#2.  Humans

I’m just here to say that if I’m ever in a situation where I need to eat another human being to survive, I’m not not going to have a problem with that.  Me and my friend Dan Cummins would be going to town on any available human flesh.  Just add a bit of Mrs. Dash and it makes anything good.

#1.  Pandas

I’ve always wanted to eat panda meat ever since I saw a Panda Express.  I know they’re endangered, but maybe if we ate them we would breed more of them.  Plus I think it would be hard to one-up someone who started a conversation by saying, “So, I ate a panda today.”

As many of you probably guessed from all my Twitter posts and Facebook status changes I’m sick.  I get these annoying colds and they really tend to happen at inopportune times.  This week I’ll be chilling with Norm Macdonald on Friday night.  Hopefully I don’t get him sick.  Maybe he’ll see that I’m sick and be like, “Back of, Sicko!”  And I will cower in shame because one of my heroes just yelled at me.  Speaking of Heroes, I am really enjoying the new season.  My wife is totally confused by what’s happening and that is understandable since she is a woman and doesn’t understand all the little nuances of super-powers and time travel.

Anywho, back to being sick.  It started Monday night, when I felt that little prick in the throat. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)  I knew it was coming on and that it would be an annoying next couple of days.  What really bothers me about being sick is the fact that I don’t feel like doing anything.  I don’t want to write or work on the website or anything like that.  It is nice to receive all this sympathy from my wife.  It really is nice to have her get me things and be super nice.  I should be sick more often!  Not really though.

So for those of you out ther who think I’m being a wuss.  Here’s a big middle finger from me to you.  I hope you get the flu.

Just found this story about how Vegans brains tend to shrink because they don’t eat meat. That’s awesome. Honestly though, I don’t know where people get money for studies like this. It was probably paid for by some beef company that wanted to make Vegans look bad. However, this could also explain that everytime I talk to a vegan and they try to prove a point I never can follow what they are saying.  It could also be because they are totally stoned at the time.

The article also says that beer drinkers’ brains don’t shrink as much as wine drinkers’ brains. Hmm. I don’t know about that. I’ve met some pretty stupid beer drinkers. Stupid science.

So, I’m trying to be healthier, which is a problem because I love food that is bad for me. So, to hopefully help me out a little bit I’ve taken advantage of my wife’s job at a supplement company and have begun to take supplements. Supposedly, the reason to take supplements is to give your body nutrients that it’s missing from normal eating. That’s why they’re called supplements. They supplement nutrients. At least that’s what I’ve come to believe.

The problem with supplements is that there are many different kinds. You have to decide which ones are going to provide you with the right nutrients. Or, if you’re like me, you just take a whole butt load of them. Right now I’m currently taking eight different supplements. Here they are in no particular order:

Green Tea: This is supposed to make you not fat. Also provides you with anti-oxidants. I don’t know what anti-oxidents are, but I’ve watched enough commercials to know that oxidants are bad.

Cholesterol Reducer: Not sure this really does anything, but it’s better than eating a bowl of oatmeal every morning.

Fish Oil: Provides Omega-3′s which also lower cholesterol. Did I mention I have high cholesterol?

Spirulina: This is an algae and is a good source of protein. It’s also green and I count this as my vegetable for the day.

Pro-biotics: This is basically a type of bacteria that helps digestion. Have you ever seen those Activia commercials where Jamie Lee Curtis talks about how the yogurt helps her crap good?

Metabolism booster: This helps you process food faster. It also is supposed to help you lose weight. So far I haven’t seen any results.

Vitamin C: I take this to keep my immune system in check. I shake hands with a lot of people, and I’m sure some of them down’t wash after they poop.

Regular Multi-vitamin: I take this in case there’s something I’m missing. I’m sure most of the nutrients I get from here are just pissed away.

So, as you can see supplements are basically a whole meal for me. This helps if you wanna lose weight. Eventually, I believe everyone will eat through pill form and food as we know it will disappear. Probably not though.