Yes, there a lot of people in this world that really annoy me and I figure that the best way to share my annoyance with the rest of the world is a series of open letters.  This is just the first part of the series.  Feel free to express your annoyance with those same people or even with me for being annoyed at said people.  Here we go:

People who put their bare feet on the dash in the car

Dear PWPTBFOTDITCs,

I know you think it’s comfortable to put your bare feet up there in the warm sun.  I’ll bet you feel that you have attractive feet and would like to share them with everyone else on the road.  The truth is that when I see your feet on the dash I have a deep and brooding urge to swerve over into your lane and send you careening off the road into a ditch.  I hope you hit something and the airbag deploys, sending your knees right into your dumb face.

Sincerely,

the guy in the car next to you, Spencer King

Hispanic parents who let their kids run wild at restaurants

Dear padres estupidos,

I know your 4 year old daughter is very cute.  I can see her standing next to my table looking at me.  Normally I would appreciate the cuteness, but today I was looking forward to a quiet lunch by myself. When she starts asking me questions in Spanish, and trying to give me a mashed up package of club crackers it cuts into my quiet time.  It also doesn’t help that you yell at her from across the restaurant.  Please realize that I’m a nice guy and would never hurt a child, but eventually she will go up to the wrong person and the only time I’ll see her face is on the back of a milk carton.

Su amigo,

Spencer King

Spencer Pratt

Dear Douchebag,

You and I share the same first name.  This has caused my desire to kill myself to skyrocket.  Why can’t you just be a normal person and not a douchebag.  Every time I see you on TV I hope that a bear enters the scene and takes off with your head.  I think I speak on behalf of Spencers everywhere when I say that I wish you changed your name to Osama.  Seriously, I think right now this country hates you more than him.

Up yours,

Spencer (not a douchebag) King

Al Sharpton

Dear Al,

Why do you hate white people so much?  How come when Don Imus makes a joke about “nappy-headed hoes” on the radio you make sure he’s fired, but when Jamie Foxx makes a joke about someone raping Miley Cyrus you don’t say anything?  Also, why did you tell Michael Jackson’s kids that their father was normal, when the fact that you even had to mention that means he wasn’t normal?

Please cut your nappy hair.

Yours truly,

Spencer King

Lou Dobbs

Hey Dobbs,

Why do you hate Mexicans, and black people so much?  Also, please stop talking.  Never speak again.  This would bode well for the entire country.

Your half-Mexican friend,

Spencer King

Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President,

I still haven’t gotten that money you promised me when I voted for you. I know that you’re pretty busy handing out billions of dollars to bankers and states that voted for you, but I could really use that money soon.  I see that you like being on TV.  I wish I could be on TV too. But, then again, I’m a comedian and not the President of the United States.  I entertain people which would make sense why I was on TV.  You’re the President, shouldn’t you be fixing stuff?  I’m not a money guy, so I don’t know how this works, but I’m pretty sure that the way to get out of debt isn’t by throwing more money at the problem.  And just for the record, I believe you were born in Hawaii.

Aloha,

Spencer King

There you go folks.  This is just my first batch of open letters.  More to come as the time goes by.

Here in Utah we are blessed with a number of attractive news anchors.  I enjoy watching these ladies give me the rundown on the daily news stories.  I have, over time, become quite infatuated with a few of these ladies.  Since I really only watch two local news stations they are all from one or the other.  I don’t know what my wife will think about this list but I just thought it would be entertaining and maybe those who made the list would have a good day.  I would like to meet them sometime and maybe steal a little kiss.  Here are my top 5:

5. Nadine Wimmer

I watch her every night at 10 and she makes the list because I really think she has a great face.  Her hair is a little weird sometimes but it adds to the cuteness.

4. Kerri Cronk

I recently had the opportunity to tell Kerri I thought she was cute during a segment I was doing for the Fox 13 morning show.  Her co-anchor laughed, but it wasn’t a joke.  You really are cute Kerri.

3. Katy Carlyle

I love Katy’s accent.  She also has a cute face and pretty brunette hair.  She’s originally from St. Louis so she has a nice twang in her voice.

2. Amanda Butterfield

Amanda is basically the All-American blonde bombshell.  Great eyes and a sexy mouth.

1.  Hope Woodside

She is tall and has the classic brunette girl next door look.  She also seems like she has a great sense of humor which is an A+ in my book.  Hey Hope, when can we meet up sometime?

Anybody else have a local newscaster crush?  Let me know who it is and what you think of this list.

That'll do pig

People sometimes label me as a pessimist (mostly my wife), which I feel is not entirely accurate.  In an effort to be more optimistic I’m taking a look at the bright side of the current world pandemic, swine flu.  Now, a pessimist would look at the situation and say, “This is a problem.”  But being the optimist that I am, I look at the situation and say, “This is awesome!”  Now let me share my optimism with the rest of you.  Let’s take a look at Five Good Things About Swine Flu.

1.  Less Crowded Public Transportation

Given the fact that people are getting completely freaked out by this, people are abandoning travel on planes, buses, and subways.  Imagine making the commute to work on a subway car that you have all to yourself.  Just a little sneeze or cough and that dream can become a reality.  People will practically be jumping out of the windows to get away from you.

2.  Discounted Pork Products

Now that people will be afraid to eat pork, the prices should fall dramatically.  Look for bacon on sale for a nickel at your local grocery store. Mmmm, bacon.

3.  Population Control

If this thing REALLY takes off, we could be looking at the loss of millions of lives.  However tragic this may be, the population of the world would be kept in check.  This means that Chinese people would be able to have more kids. Also, people wouldn’t give those dirty looks to the mothers at the grocery store with six kids under the age of five.

4.  Anti-terrorism

Last time I checked, the countries that harbor terrorist organizations don’t have great health care.  If somehow swine flu were to infiltrate Al Qaeda maybe it would solve the problem naturally.

5.  Kick Ass Droid Name

If you haven’t heard, in an effort to not blame pigs the media has been using the name H1N1 in it’s news reports regarding the swine flu.  Personally, I think that H1N1 is a crappy name for a virus, but a super kick ass name for a droid.  If they make another Star Wars movie, (I sooo hope they don’t) I think having a droid named H1N1 would be pretty sweet.

So there you have it.  Don’t look at this like it’s a problem, look at it as a way to advance our civilization.

During this economic downturn that some have labeled a “recession” it is easy to get discouraged and feel like nothing we do will help out the situation. This is where ingenuity and good old-fashioned American gumption come in.  Because I don’t have a day job at the moment I am left with a massive amount of time that I can spend pondering solutions to the economic crisis.  I haven’t come up with a solution just yet but I have come up with five ways, which you can employ in your daily life, to help you cope with this economic downturn.

1. More earnings “under the table”

A great way to avoid paying excessive taxes on your earnings is to arrange payment in cash.  If you get paid in cash you can report less earnings when you file your taxes. (note: This is VERY illegal)

2. Cut back on fast food

We all love to eat out, but cutting back on your fast food spending can help save money.  You’d be surprised at how much food these restaurants will throw away!  Staking out  a fast food dumpster can be a cheap supply of the food you love.  Also, if you can figure out a way to work from a buffet, then you’ve got it made.

3. Rent out your house

Do you have a few extra rooms?  There are plenty of people looking for a cheap place to call home.  I know a few meth dealers who could use a new place to set up.  Also, if you rent out your room then you have a built in baby sitter!

4. Sell a child

It seems that celebrities are all about adopting kids and paying handsomely for them.  You could really do well if you can make your baby look like it comes from a different country. Celebrities love that crap.

5. Not be poor

The best way I have seen to weather an economic storm is to have a lot of money.  Usually, if you have a lot of money to begin with, you won’t notice when the middle class gets decimated.  Plus you can buy stocks and real estate at record low prices and then just wait for the market to bounce back and become even more wealthy.  That’s really the way to go.

So, what are you doing to beat the recession?  Let me know.

Today is April 1st which, as you all know, is April Fools’ Day.  What exactly is an April Fool?  To me it is someone who tries to pull the perfect prank but ends up either arrested, maimed, or dead.  That’s why, as a public service, I’ve compiled a list of 10 pranks that will get you either arrested, maimed, or killed.

Spencer’s Top Ten List of April Fool’s Pranks That Will Leave You Arrested, Maimed, or Killed

10. Tell your mother-in-law that your wife is pregnant with her first grandchild

When your mother-in-law finds out that you’re joking with her, she’ll do one of two things:  Have a stroke, or rip off your cajones. Either way she’ll never see her grandkids.

9. Pretend to rob a bank

This will undoubtedly end in a blood bath as the swat team or off duty police officer at the bank riddle your body with a barrage of hollow point bullets that render your corpse nearly unrecognizable.  Not good.

8. Tell your wife you’ve had an affair

The problem with this joke is it always reveals some bad info about your marriage that you weren’t aware of. Example: “Well now I don’t feel guilty about sleeping with your brother!”  Divorce is expensive.

7. Put a wild animal in your roommate’s bedroom.

Remember, wild animals are called ‘wild’ for a reason.  You’d be surprised at how much damage a frightened squirrel or raccoon can do to a room or an exposed sleeping face.

6. Use the word “bomb” anywhere near a plane or airport

I’ve never been tasered, but this seems to be a great way to experience it. Also, you don’t want to distract the secret air marshall away from the guy who really has a bomb on the plane.

5. Laxative in any form of food meant for your friends

You’ll always make the mistake of eating some of that food and therefore spend a pleasant evening sitting on the toilet with a bucket in your lap.

4. Tell your friends and family you have cancer

This old trick is never funny, and it also ruins it for when you actually do get cancer. “You have cancer? Not falling for that one again.”

3. Text your girlfriend or boyfriend that you recently found out you have an STD

Chances are they’ll snap and try to kill you.  Or they’ll text you back saying you probably got it from them.  Looks like the joke’s on you!

2. Tell your kid that they’re really adopted

This is my personal favorite, but we already have enough kids who listen to crappy emo music, so why add to that?

1. Have the word “assassinate” anywhere close to the word “president”

The FBI will find you and you will disappear.  For the record, I love the President.  Hear that, FBI?  I love him!

So there you have it.  Have a fun and safe April Fools’ Day.

So, tonight is the Oscars and people will be focusing on movies that nobody has seen and stroking each other’s already huge egos.  And I’ll be tuning in along with everyone else.  But that’s not the focus of this post.  In this post I will focus on a subject that I address in my act.  As most of you know, my high school mascot was a hippo.  I often try to explain to people that hippos are incredibly dangerous and are one of the only animals that can’t be trained to be in movies.  Then I realize that I’ve never watched a movie and thought, “You know what this movie needs? Hippos!”

Having said that, I took some time last night to think about a few movies that would have been better with hippos in them. I’ve narrowed those movies to five gems.  And now, here is:  Spencer’s list of 5 movies that would have been better with hippos and that all, oddly enough, star Tom Hanks.

#5:  Big

The classic tale of a boy who just wanted to be big and woke up one morning to find, he was big.  Since we’re working with such a believable premise already I don’t think there would be a problem in adding the minor detail of him not only turning big, but becoming a hippo.  Hippos are big by nature and that would work great with the premise.  Of course, then you’d have no reason to have Tom Hanks in the movie.  We can’t have that, so how about instead of dancing on a giant keyboard with his boss he played a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with him instead?

#4: Saving Private Ryan

Who wouldn’t love a random scene in the movie where an escaped hippo from a local zoo came and trampled some German soldiers?  Or it could have been a twist that ‘Private Ryan’ wasn’t a soldier at all, but a hippo that somehow got lost behind enemy lines.

#3:  The Burbs

There are probably a lot of you that don’t remember this movie, but it’s a classic.  Now imagine that the murderous family next door wasn’t just killing people.  Instead, they were feeding them to a giant monster hippo that they have concealed in the basement.  Now that’s a kick ass movie!

#2:  Forrest Gump

Considering all the things that Forrest was able to do in the movie, and the number of other ridiculous things he did in the book by Winston Groom, I think it only logical that he become a succesful breeder of seeing eye hippos.  Also, Lt. Dan could have used a hippo to get around instead of a wheel chair.

#1:  Turner & Hooch

Hooch is a hippo.  Need I say more?

What movies do you think would have been better with hippos?

Who inspires me? Who gets me off my butt and working? I’m sure none of you out there really even care. I’m sure you don’t think about what gets Spencer King motivated, but I’m going to tell you who five of my role models are. It’s definitely an interesting list.

1.  Simon Cowell

The fact that Simon can tell people that they suck right to their face makes me want to do the same thing to other people.  Unfortunately I don’t have the balls to do that.  I usually just harbor feelings of resentment and loathing.  Simon does it with such ease, probably because he has a lot of money.  So what I’ve learned from Simon is, if you have enough money, you can tell people what you really think of them.

2.  George W. Bush

A lot of people rip on GW, saying things like, “He’s the worst president ever.”, or, “He should be executed.”  I don’t like do the hip thing.  The reason he is a role model for me is that because, no matter what, he doesn’t give a crap about what people think of him.  When people said he was evil, he just took it.  When people said he was a murderer, he just took it.  And when people starting singing “Hey hey hey, goodbye!” as he left the White House, he just took it.  Now that’s a person who doesn’t care about what other people think!

3.  Amy Winehouse

What I learn from Amy is this:  Even though you’re totally baked on crack, you can still make money, and then use that money to buy more crack.  I just change the word ‘crack’ to ‘investments’ and it makes it a feasible goal.  So, I’m trying to use my investments to make other investments.  Amy also helps me know that even ugly people can be successful.

4.  Dick Cheney

Here’s a guy who is hated buy millions, and shot his friend in the face.  Not necessarily a great role model, but check this.  He shot his friend in the face and the guy is still his friend.  That teaches me that a real friend is someone you can shoot in the face and they’ll still hang out with you.  Now I have an easy, entertaining way to find out who my real friends are.  So if you’re really my friend and you see me with an airsoft gun, just brace yourself and know that I love you.

5.  Milo, my cat

My cat is a great guy.  I wish I could be more like him.  He can lick his own crotch which is an amazing skill.  He can also lick his own back.  I tried that yesterday and now I can’t turn my head to the right.  Besides his incredible flexibility there are other traits he has that I wish to emulate.  He has the ability to get my wife to scratch his head.  I don’t know how he does it.  Every time I try to get my wife to scratch my head she makes a face and continues her activities on Facebook.  I’m still trying to teach Milo English so he can tell me his secret.

Now, I’m sure that you have people you try to model your life after.  Who are they?  And, why are they not as good as mine?

With the Christmas season in full swing, and people everywhere going absolutely crazy, it’s great to be able to sit down and watch a few good Christmas movies to take the edge off of slamming a person to the ground to get the last Tickle-Me-Whatever.  Here is my list of top five Christmas movies:

#5  Scrooged

This Bill Murray classic is a humorous take on Charles Dickens’ classic ‘A Christmas Carol.’  In this version Bill Murray plays the Scrooge character and is reminded constantly about why Christmas is a good thing.  He even takes a toaster to the head multiple times.  If you’ve never seen this movie I highly recommend it.  It does to Christmas what ‘Groundhog Day’ did to that obscure holiday.

#4  A Muppet Christmas Carol

Another take on Dickens’ Christmas classic, this time with Muppets.  In this version, which is a more literal interpretation of the tale, we find Scrooge being played by Michael Caine.  He encounters various Muppet ghosts and, well, you know the story.  The best part of this movie, however, comes when Beaker gives Scrooge the finger after he refuses to donate money to a charity.  Gotta love those Muppets!

#3  Home Alone

Who can forget the first time they ever saw Joe Pesci get shot in the nuts with a BB gun sticking out of a dog door?  Priceless.  This Christmas masterpiece was the number one all time blockbuster until Spiderman came along.  It’s strength is the simplicity of it’s story:  Kid gets left home. Burglars try to invade.  Kid maims burglars with various hilarious boobie traps.  I make sure to watch this  at least once each Christmas and have been known to say, “Keep the change you filthy animal” on a number of occasions.

#2  It’s a Wonderful Life

What?  How can this be number two?  Well it is.  Even though a lot of people would have this as number one, for me it’s number two.  The message that every person makes a difference no matter how small we think it is has never been shown more clearly and eloquantly.  I love watching Jimmy Stewart running down the street yelling, “Merry Christmas!” to every person and inanimate object in site.  I also like that he calls his daughter Zuzu.

#1  A Christmas Story

If you haven’t seen this movie you should be shot with a Red Rider BB Gun and sent down a long plastic slide.  This has got to be the funniest Christmas movie of all time.  Watching Ralphie’s escapades as he deals with bullies and school essays reminds everyone of the simpler times they had while still a child.  I still believe to this day that soap poisoning is a real affliction and I never, ever put my tongue on a frozen flag pole.

So there’s my list.  I had a fun time thinking about it and there were many other movies that considered.  I’m sure you have a different set of movies.  If you feel like I really missed one then let me know.

I'm going to eat you!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I can’t believe it is already that time of year when all we want to do is stuff our faces with lots and lots of turkey. Then we can just sit back relax and watch a good football game.  Of course the Cowboys and the Lions aren’t doing too well this year. So, instead of watching a football game I’ll probably just watch my father-in-law sleep on the couch and take pictures of his open, drooling mouth.

During this time of year I like to think about those things that I am thankful for.  And now, my Top Ten List of Things I’m Thankful For in 2008:

10.  My cat, Milo.  Every time I forget what pain is, you remind me.

9.  Tina Fey.  Thank you for being sexy AND smart.

8.  Jessica Simpson.  Thank you for being sexy and making ME feel smart.

7.  Whoever decided to put a slice of raw fish on some rice and then charge a sickeningly high price for it.

6.  Sarah Palin.  Thanks for opening your mouth and slitting the throat of the Republican party.

5.  Prison Break and Heroes.  Thanks for showing us how to drag out seemingly simple plots into never-ending black holes of ridiculous storylines and stupid twists.

4.  Twinkies

3.  My sister.  Thanks for having your baby and taking the pressure off me to produce grandchildren.

2.  Comedy.  Thanks for being a cruel and sexy temptress that no matter what I do, I can’t get enough of it.

1.  My wife.  Seriously, if I didn’t put her at number one I’d be in serious trouble.

Well, there you have it folks I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.  Be safe and don’t forget to come see a show when I come to your town.