Letters to people who annoy me: Volume 2

Dear Tiger Woods,

Nice story about your heroic wife busting out the window of your Escalade to save you from a fiery crash.  Why didn’t she just open the door?  And, what was she doing with a golf club at 2:30 in the morning?  Sounds like you might have a bigger problem on your hands than just meeting the deductible on your auto insurance.

Good luck with that,

Spencer King

Dear Michael McLean,

Every year you treat us to your show “The Forgotten Carols”. Did I say treat? What I meant was, charge people $25 bucks. I hate to be the one to say it, but there’s a reason those carols are forgotten.  Why would I pay $25 bucks to watch a group of four homeless men singing around an oil drum with a fire in it when I can go to Pioneer Park or behind the Gateway and see that for free?  When I saw your show there was a moth flying around the stage that was more interesting.

Still trying to forget,

Spencer King

ps. That hair piece isn’t fooling anyone.

Dear Kanye West,

Satan called.  He says he’ll give you your soul back if you just stop performing and go away. Also, he says your mom says ‘Hi’.

See you in hell,

Spencer King

Dear Barack Obama,

Thank you for the support that you’ve shown the troops overseas. It’s good to see that you will help those fighting in Afghanistan by sending 30,000 additional troops which are sorely needed.  I know you have a lot on your plate with fighting two wars and trying to decide what to do about Iran and North Korea.  Oh, by the way, congrats on your Nobel PEACE prize!!

A fan, and fellow warmonger,

Spencer King

Dear White House Secret Service,

Thank you for making it painfully obvious how easy it would be to get to the president of the United States.  I’m sure there are many people and organizations that are so excited to know that they too can send send someone to meet the President.  I’m pretty sure I could buy a better security  system from a young college student going door to door.

From inside the White House,

Spencer King

Dear Couple who snuck into the White House,

I’m impressed that you were able to get past the multiple security checkpoints without having to shimmy through an air duct.  I have two words for you: Jack Bauer.  It’s a good thing he isn’t real or right now you’d be in a bunker somewhere with broken kneecaps explaining where the bomb is.

If you try to sneak in my house I’ll shoot you,

Spencer King

"I'm a douche bag!"

Okay guys this is my video appeal to Spencer Pratt.  He wants to change his name to King Spencer Pratt which will really mess with my career.  Who knows, maybe this will help me out in some weird way and get people to discover my comedy.  I hope it does. But until then watch this video and help support the real Spencer King.

Buy a ShamWow and help me destroy Tom Cruise!

So, I don’t have any specific problems with Scientology.  I do think it’s kind of weird, but I’m a Mormon so I know what it’s like to have people think that your religion is stupid.  However, I found out today that I may have inadvertently contributed to an anti-Scientology movement.  How you might ask?  I bought some Sham-wows.  For those of you who have also bought these super absorbent towels, let me tell you how you too have also taken a jab at Scientology.  It turns out that Vince Offer, the ShamWow guy, used to be in the Church of Scientology until he was kicked out for not being funny.  This comes to me via an Atom.com blog.

According to this blog Vince now seems to have a vendetta against Scientology and he’s using his proceeds from those ShamWow and Slap Chop infomercials to fund his campaign.  I’m sure there are many of you out there that will now by ShamWows because you hate Scientology which I guess is okay if that’s what you feel is right.  I just feel like I should have known beforehand that my money would go for that cause.  It is pretty funny though to imagine Xenu using ShamWows as part of his diabolical plan.

King of the Idiots!

Apparently even if you’re not making fun of Obama, as long as one person thinks you are, then you’re a racist.  At least that’s what Al Sharpton is trying to tell us.  A New York Post cartoon that featured a chimpanzee is being considered a racist cartoon.  I read the cartoon and didn’t think it was an attack at Obama.  I think it was an attack at all politicians in general.  But, because Al Sharpton and the “P.C. Squad” feel like it’s racist, they have to get all pissed off.  Apparently any attempt to lampoon the government under the Obama presidency is going to be labeled racist by Al Sharpton the super-idiot.

First it’s cartoonists, and then it’ll be on to comedians.  People wonder why there aren’t that many Obama jokes.  Well, the answer is simple.  People are freaked out about being labeled a racist.  And since the country is still in love with Obama, any jab or lampoon at him will undoubtedly be labelled as racist.  I love our country.

Who said Al Sharpton would be the deciding vote on what is or isn’t racist?  I didn’t agree to that.  In fact, I think he’s an idiot.  I’d also go so far as to say that he should be crowned the ‘King of The Idiots.’

As you know doubt have already heard Christian Bale went of on the DP during filming of his latest movie. I’ve heard he could be difficult and now I guess I’ve found out that it is true. I don’t think there’s any reason to snap like he did, but I know that the long hours on film sets can make your fuse a little short.

Now I’m starting to think that maybe he really did beat up on his mom and sister.

Bad Christian!

Here’s a little snippet courtesy of CNN:

Check out the goatee...

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, and of course the minds of sports enthusiasts throughout the country are focused on Tampa where the Steelers somehow fenangled a win against a superior Cardinals team.  Don’t get me started on the way this game was officiated.

But that’s not what this post is about.  Before the big game, I noticed an interesting headline involving three things: a photo, a swimmer, and a bong.  Apparently an English tabloid published a photo of Michael Phelps, the record breaking swimmer, toking it up with a bong.  Now the U.S. media has gotten wind of it and they seem to be making a big deal out of this issue.  Here’s the deal:  I don’t condone the use of illegal drugs, but really?  We’re going to freak out about this guy smoking a little pot?  He’s a twenty three year old guy.  He’s made a lot of money.  I’m happy he’s smoking pot and not snorting coke.  He apologized saying, “I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.”  Okay Michael we know you’re sorry, but really, would he really need to be apologizing like he defiled the entire sport of swimming?  I don’t think so.  We’ve all done stupid stuff in our past.  It’s a shame that he has to have his mistakes thrust into the public eye.  It’s not really any of our business.

“I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me,” Phelps said. “For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.”  See that it doesn’t my friend.  And by this I mean, don’t smoke pot with a large group of people.  I’m not going to judge you for smoking pot, just be smart about it.

I can see how some parents might be upset by Michael being shown as a pot smoker.  “What if my kid smokes pot because he saw Michael Phelps doing it?”  Then you’re a horrible parent and you should have taught your kid about drugs.  Parents should be responsible for teaching their kids about this stuff.  You teach your kids and then let them make their own decisions.  Some kids are going to try pot, others aren’t.  Don’t go blaming Michael Phelps for it.

So Michael, if you read this, don’t feel too bad about what happened.  At least people can’t say that pot enhanced your swimming ability.  I’d really like to see how many calories you could put away when you have the muchies though.

Matt Stairs

The Phillie who helped the team make it to the World Series was so happy that he let his gay tendencies slip out during the post game press conference when he mentioned how he enjoyed getting his, “ass hammered” by his teammates.  Now, I’m sure he was referring to the age old butt-pat that’s been prevalent in sports, but it just sounds bad.

Angelina Jolie

Apparently six kids isn’t enough for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  The actress is hinting that maybe she’d like to adopt another brown kid.  It’s too bad she can’t adopt a penguin, cuz then she could have a kid from every continent on the earth.  I’ll bet this makes normal mom’s with six kids feel sick.  It’s easy to take care of six kids when you can hire full time nannies.  Maybe she just feels like if she gets enough kids she can have her own show on TLC.

John Rich

The country singer best known as half of the duo, ‘Big and Rich’ was in two bar fights in 24 hours.  He allegedly broke a beer bottle over some one’s face and got punched in the face earlier by some random guy.  Well, at least it’s nice to know that some country singers are staying close to their roots.  I’m sure this would never happen with Rascal Flatts because they’d be to worried about messing up their hair.

John, you get to be on the list because you just can’t seem to stand in one spot during a debate.  I thought it was hilarious the way he aimlessly walked around the stage while Barack Obama was speaking.  I’ll bet he really pissed off the director.  This also led to several hilarious lampoons on various late night talk shows.  Congratulations Mr. McCain, I’m sure you’ll make the list again.

Jamie Lynn Spears

What is up with those Spears girls.  As soon as they have a kid it’s like opening the flood gates and they just keep popping them out.  Did nobody teach them sex-ed ever?  So now you’ll have two children and you won’t even be twenty yet!  You know who’s happy about this?  Sarah Palin’s daugther Bristol.  She has never been so happy about anything in her life.  “Thanks for taking the focus off me!”

Louis Farrakhan

This week Louis referred to Barack Obama as the ‘Messiah’.  Hmmm.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s not accurate, Louis.  Maybe you should lay off the crack.  This is the kind of fanaticism that makes me hate my choices this election.  I think America is in trouble regardless of who gets elected.

Well, it’s been a good week and here’s our winners:

Heather Locklear -  So what could be more embarassing than dating David Spade?  Well, apparently getting a DUI doesn’t even come close.  Heather was charged with driving under the influence when a papparazzi who was following her car called the police to report Heather’s ‘erratic driving’.  Cops showed up and she was arrested.  Also, Mr. Nark got some photos which I’m sure he made some good money on.  Way to go.

Sandra Bernhard -  America’s favorite she-male comedian apparently gave a warning to Sarah Palin that she better not set foot in Manhattan.  If so she would be ‘gang-raped’ by her black brothers.  Wow.  Uh, I think threatening another woman with rape totally cancels out any advancement for women that she is trying to gain.  Also, is picking on Palin really breaking new comedy ground?

OJ Simpson -  As his most recent trial comes to a close I’m amazed by one fact:  He’s going to jail for this after getting away with murder!  After you get away with murder OJ, you need to just leave it alone.  You already got a pass that is usually only reserved for rich white people.  Now you’re going to jail for this!?  Give me a f***ing break!

Nicholas Evans: Known as the author of ‘The Horse Whisperer’, Nicholas makes the list this week after he and some friends ate some wild mushrooms. STORY Now, I wasn’t a very good boy scout but I at least learned that you should never eat a wild mushroom.  Now the poor guy has to be on kidney dialysis.  Let this be a lesson to all you kids.  Don’t eat wild mushrooms, especially if they look like … well, just check the link and look at the photos.

Suge Knight: Well basically, the man who started Death Row Records was caught beating his girlfriend and in possession of ecstasy.  STORY I can understand the beating since she was most undoubtedly ‘talkin smack’ or whatever.  Plus, since he was probably on E, he thought his girlfriend was an evil goblin who was out to take his soul.

Kanye West: Kayne gots himself arrested for destroying a camera worth $10,000.  STORY He was up in the airport, when a papparazzi mo-fo was trippin and gettin all  up in his face.  Kanye, you are an idiot with anger management issues. You and yo body guard just needs to chillax!

Lindsay Lohan: She could be a staple on this list considering what a moron she is most of the times.  This week she makes the list cuz I guess, apparently, she’s a lesbian now and is going to marry her girlfriend before the end of the year.  Really?  Now you’re a lesbian?  Okay, she must really just be an attention whore.