Buy a ShamWow and help me destroy Tom Cruise!

So, I don’t have any specific problems with Scientology.  I do think it’s kind of weird, but I’m a Mormon so I know what it’s like to have people think that your religion is stupid.  However, I found out today that I may have inadvertently contributed to an anti-Scientology movement.  How you might ask?  I bought some Sham-wows.  For those of you who have also bought these super absorbent towels, let me tell you how you too have also taken a jab at Scientology.  It turns out that Vince Offer, the ShamWow guy, used to be in the Church of Scientology until he was kicked out for not being funny.  This comes to me via an Atom.com blog.

According to this blog Vince now seems to have a vendetta against Scientology and he’s using his proceeds from those ShamWow and Slap Chop infomercials to fund his campaign.  I’m sure there are many of you out there that will now by ShamWows because you hate Scientology which I guess is okay if that’s what you feel is right.  I just feel like I should have known beforehand that my money would go for that cause.  It is pretty funny though to imagine Xenu using ShamWows as part of his diabolical plan.

Check out the goatee...

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, and of course the minds of sports enthusiasts throughout the country are focused on Tampa where the Steelers somehow fenangled a win against a superior Cardinals team.  Don’t get me started on the way this game was officiated.

But that’s not what this post is about.  Before the big game, I noticed an interesting headline involving three things: a photo, a swimmer, and a bong.  Apparently an English tabloid published a photo of Michael Phelps, the record breaking swimmer, toking it up with a bong.  Now the U.S. media has gotten wind of it and they seem to be making a big deal out of this issue.  Here’s the deal:  I don’t condone the use of illegal drugs, but really?  We’re going to freak out about this guy smoking a little pot?  He’s a twenty three year old guy.  He’s made a lot of money.  I’m happy he’s smoking pot and not snorting coke.  He apologized saying, “I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.”  Okay Michael we know you’re sorry, but really, would he really need to be apologizing like he defiled the entire sport of swimming?  I don’t think so.  We’ve all done stupid stuff in our past.  It’s a shame that he has to have his mistakes thrust into the public eye.  It’s not really any of our business.

“I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me,” Phelps said. “For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.”  See that it doesn’t my friend.  And by this I mean, don’t smoke pot with a large group of people.  I’m not going to judge you for smoking pot, just be smart about it.

I can see how some parents might be upset by Michael being shown as a pot smoker.  “What if my kid smokes pot because he saw Michael Phelps doing it?”  Then you’re a horrible parent and you should have taught your kid about drugs.  Parents should be responsible for teaching their kids about this stuff.  You teach your kids and then let them make their own decisions.  Some kids are going to try pot, others aren’t.  Don’t go blaming Michael Phelps for it.

So Michael, if you read this, don’t feel too bad about what happened.  At least people can’t say that pot enhanced your swimming ability.  I’d really like to see how many calories you could put away when you have the muchies though.

"I feel fine."

I slept in today which was nice.  I knew that while I was sleeping there were stupid people all over the country frantically trying to get a good deal on a TV or iPod.  I was horrified when I finally got up and started looking at headlines.  Two headlines caught my eye immediately.

The first one was a story about the hostages that were killed in Mumbai, India at a Jewish center.  Men, women, and children were shot by terrorists.  I can’t imagine the horror of being in that situation and knowing that these crazy gunmen could not be reasoned with and that my life would be soon coming to an end.  Muslim extremists are becoming more and more aggresive towards Jewish people and communities.  I don’t know what I can do from where I am right now.  It is horrible to feel as helpless against such violent acts as I do.

Meanwhile, in the United States, what are we worried about?  The other headline I saw was about a worker at a Long Island Walmart being trampled to death by a stampede of bargain hungry maniacs.  This seriously made me want to scream.  I can’t believe that we sit here while people are being murdered by psycopaths and all we care about is saving an extra ten dollars on our new TV.  What has happened to this country?  I give up on it.  I don’t think there is any going back to the ideals that make(made) this country great.  I don’t like to wax political, but this is ridiculous.  The greed of this country makes me want a meteor to come destroy this planet.  The world is in a downward spiral and there is nothing that is going to change it.  The greed, pride, and indifference of our world leaders and the people of the world in general have led me to believe that it would be better for the world to be destroyed by a meteor than for us to continue on our current course.  The only thing that we are headed for is more war, death, and destruction.

Shame on all of you who were involved in any type of mob activity while trying to get a good deal this morning.  I hope that you feel happy with your new TV or X-box.  I hope you feel happy knowing that your greed and utter disregard for others cost at least one life that I know about and countless other injuries.  I’ll see you in hell, cuz that’s where this world is headed.

Hmm, I'm pretty sure this is supposed to go on the inside.

This past Saturday I went with my wife and mother-in-law to see the Body Worlds 3 exhibit in Salt Lake City. For those of you who don’t know what this is, let me explain: They take dead people… remove their skin… and pose them in ‘artistic’ poses so that people can come look at them. Not only do they use full bodies but they also have different organs on display and a very special room that has different fetuses at different stages. That was creepy. No jokes to go with that.

Now to the funny stuff. The exhibit is a great place to look at dead people if you don’t want to go to prison for it. It’s also a great place to make jokes and watch people give you weird looks. I couldn’t help myself when I saw an elderly person viewing the exhibit. I walked up to him and said, “So, I guess we’ll see you in this next year, right?” Yeah… he didn’t find that as funny as I did.

The process these bodies go through is called plastination. Basically that’s a scientific way of saying ‘shellac’. I swear Modge Podge must have made a fortune with this. The only reason I know that it’s called plastination is because they explain the process, and then try to recruit you to donate your body for plastination. I thought being a Mormon missionary was hard. Imagine trying to talk people into shellacking their dead bodies into weird positions and having people come look at them. That’s gotta be tough.

Well, if you’re like me and your wife went to bed at 9:45 at night on Halloween because she was mad at you for some strange reason that doesn’t seem like a big deal but apparently it is because your wife is mad and going to bed early and now you’re stuck at a computer typing, then you know how fun it can be.

Halloween is that wonderful time of year that women dress like whores and children roam the block peddling house to house for candy which they let their parents check before they eat it. Really all parents do is just take out the good candy and leave their children with those stupid styrofoam peanut things. I’m surprised more parents don’t fall ill from snatching candy out of their kids bags.

Before my wife got angry with me tonight we did get to see a theatrical rendition of the 1922 vampire classic, Nosferatu. It was frighteningly good. After that is when something happened, and my wife is now asleep and I’m out here in the living room typing. Hmm, I’ll probably have to sleep out here too. Anywho, just thought you’d like to see a photo from that theatrical production so enjoy that.

Remember folks, Halloween is scary, especially when your wife is mad.

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that if you sign up on my email list you’ll be able to download my new album ‘How to Buy a Body Bag’ absolutely free.  Once you sign up, you’ll receive an email with download instructions.  There is absolutely no catch at all.  Just let your friends know.

To download the CD go to my home page and sign up on my email list.

Do you take pot?

According to a story on Yahoo! a man in California tried to pay for his combo meal with pot.  If it wasn’t for the pot he probably wouldn’t have even been hungry in the first place.  Now we all know that people do stupid things when they’re high and to be honest, I’ll bet there’s a 60 percent chance that at any fast food restaurant at any given time, a cashier will accept pot in-lieu of money.  Just think about the kinds of people who work at fast food restaurants.

After having seen this story I was wondering about what other items we could use instead of money to buy things.  Given the fact that our financial system is all out of whack and the dollar is still becoming more and more worthless, I figure it’s just a matter of time before we are bartering for goods in a cashless society.  Here are my recommendations of things to stockpile in case our money becomes totally worthless:

Chocolate

People will still crave sweets in the future regardless of the circumstances.  With a good supply of chocolate in your possession you can assuredly barter for the necessities that you will need to survive.  Also, the women will love you.

Toilet Paper

People will still be pooping no matter what their situation.  Imagine being able to trade the comfort of Charmin, for wheat or barley.  People might think they can live without toilet paper, but after their first bout of poison ivy in the butt-hole they’ll be paying top rice for even one square.

Diapers

This might not make sense to a lot of you, but I live in Utah and there’s about 50 kids per adult here.  When the fecal matter hits the fan here there are going to be a lot of parents willing to trade food so that they don’t have to deal with their kids crapping on them.

Guns and Ammo

Some people will just try to take your chocolate or toilet paper without trading you anything for them.  That’s why you need a good stock-pile of guns and ammo.  Be sure to include different classes of weapons suitable for the task at hand.  You don’t want to have to lug around a twelve gauge all over the mall.  Make sure you keep ammo hidden in convenient places as well.  Nobody wants to be shot because they couldn’t find the rockets for their RPG.

So hopefully the dollar will stay strong enough that none of this ever happens.  But if it does, “I told  you so!”

What kinds of things would you use as money?

I just read an article on the British publication, The Sun’s website about a festival in Peru where they serve up fried cats.  Apparently eating the crispy kitties is supposed to help bronchitis and serve as an aphrodesiac. While I don’t condone eating kittens, and I probably wouldn’t eat someone’s pet, (unless they made me angry and then I’d probably grill it) I can understand how we often view another cultures traditions as bizarre because we’re not used to what they are doing.

Now having said that, there are some animals that aren’t traditionally eaten that I would love to try.  And since I’m a comedian and can make this kinda funny, I’m going to list my top 10 animals that I would love to eat if it weren’t considered weird or illegal.

Spencer’s Top 10 List of animals he would eat if it weren’t considered weird or illegal

#10.  Goldfish

There’s just something about their big old eyes that make me think, “What are you looking at?  I’ll bet you wouldn’t look at me that way if you knew I was about to eat you.”  I can imagine that deep frying them after rolling them around in some batter would be pretty tasty.  Of course you’d have to also give them a little splash of lemon as well.

#9.  Ants

Now the main problem with ants is that they can bite you back.  Also, it’s really hard to get enough together so that when you eat them it’s satisfying.  Be sure to chew really well though.  If you forget one it could bite your esophagus on the way down or even start to crawl back out.  Nothing could be more embarrassing than talking to someone and having an ant crawl out of your mouth.

#8.  African Pygmy Hedgehogs

That’s right Sonic.  Time for you to get in my belly.  The trick to eating a hedgehog is making sure that you cook it long enough so that the quills come off really easy.  I’m sure the tender parts on the belly side would be an excellent experience for your pallet.  Also, a hedgehog comes with the added bonus of coming with it’s own set of toothpicks.

#7.  Llamas

If cows are tasty then llamas must be heavenly.  I’d love to bite into a nice hunk of tough neck meat.  Of course, llamas do tend to be stinky but I’m not sure if that would translate over into the taste of their meat.  Also, if we could eat llamas the movie “Napolean Dynamite” would have been just a little more interesting.  “Tina you fat lard, come and be our dinner!”

#6.  Baby Deer

I know it’s horrible, but if we can eat baby cows there shouldn’t be anything wrong with munching on a little bit of Bambi.

#5.  Piranhas

Actually, I have eaten piranha and I have to say it’s one of the boniest fish I’ve ever eaten.  I just get a satisfaction out of eating something that could have well been eating me a moment or two before.  Speaking of which, that brings us to our next guy.

#4.  Lions

People should be able to show those guys that they are the top of the food chain.  Besides, I’ll bet if you eat a lion it makes you stronger.

#3.  Bald Eagles

Now before you run me out of the country just hear me out.  If it was up to Ben Franklin the national bird would have been a turkey.  That means on Thanksgiving we’d probably be eating bald eagles instead.  Mmm, pass that gravy would you, Grandma.

#2.  Humans

I’m just here to say that if I’m ever in a situation where I need to eat another human being to survive, I’m not not going to have a problem with that.  Me and my friend Dan Cummins would be going to town on any available human flesh.  Just add a bit of Mrs. Dash and it makes anything good.

#1.  Pandas

I’ve always wanted to eat panda meat ever since I saw a Panda Express.  I know they’re endangered, but maybe if we ate them we would breed more of them.  Plus I think it would be hard to one-up someone who started a conversation by saying, “So, I ate a panda today.”

Mmm, yummy.

Well, just in time for Halloween this year stories are turning up all over the web about Chinese candy that has made it to the U.S. tainted with melamine.  This makes me think about all those years I thought my parents were stupid for making wait to eat my candy until they checked it.  Now I’m realizing that there are about a million different ways tainted candy could make it into my home.  So, I’ve devised a series of checks that you should make to avoid eating tainted Chinese candy.

1.  Packaging Check -  Read the packaging before putting anything in your mouth.  For years this check has helped us avoid eating those little gel packs that come with shoes and other things.  Now this same check can keep you from eating poison Chinese candy.  If you read the label and can’t understand it, DON”T EAT IT.

2.  Smell Check – Smell it, before you eat it.  If something smells like crap, it probably tastes like crap.  That’s a rule we’ve been taught for years.  If you’re candy smells like bleach, it’s probably not edible.  In fact, if it smells like bleach and the wrapper is open, definitely keep it out of your mouth.

3.  Chinese Person Check – If you receive the cany from a Chinese person, maybe it would be a good idea not to eat it.  I don’t mean to racially stereotype, but just to be safe don’t go trick or treating in a Chinese neighborhood.  Go to a Korean, or Japanese neighborhood instead.  There candy is safe.  And if can’t tell the difference between a Chinese, Japanese, or Korean person that means you are a racist and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Well, those are three tips that should keep you safe this Halloween season.  Be sure to catch my post about great Halloween pranks, coming up later this month.

By now I’m sure you’ve all read the stories about PETA wanting Ben and Jerry’s to stop using milk from cows and using human breast milk instead.  And I’m also sure that you cringed at the thought of lactating women squirting their breast milk into big mixing vats.  This is the latest in PETA’s weird attempts to force everyone to believe what they believe.  If you haven’t read it, here’s the letter:

September 23, 2008

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, Cofounders

Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc.

Dear Mr. Cohen and Mr. Greenfield,

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I’d like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry’s.

Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry’s replaced the cow’s milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers-and cows-would reap the benefits.

Using cow’s milk for your ice cream is a hazard to your customer’s health. Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. The late Dr. Benjamin Spock, America’s leading authority on child care, spoke out against feeding cow’s milk to children, saying it may play a role in anemia, allergies, and juvenile diabetes and in the long term, will set kids up for obesity and heart disease-America’s number one cause of death.

Animals will also benefit from the switch to breast milk. Like all mammals, cows only produce milk during and after pregnancy, so to be able to constantly milk them, cows are forcefully impregnated every nine months. After several years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally, their exhausted bodies are turned into hamburgers or ground up for soup.

And of course, the veal industry could not survive without the dairy industry. Because male calves can’t produce milk, dairy farmers take them from their mothers immediately after birth and sell them to veal farms, where they endure 14 to17 weeks of torment chained inside a crate so small that they can’t even turn around.

The breast is best! Won’t you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow’s milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Tracy Reiman

Executive Vice President

I’m sure I speak for the majority of people that if Ben and Jerry’s did this we probably wouldn’t eat their ice cream.  I wouldn’t be able to stomach the new Cookies and ‘Cream’ flavor.  I think some of the flavor names would have to change and that could be interesting.  Here are some of the ones I came up with:

Cherry Garcia’s Mom

New York Double Breast Chunk

Chunky Monkey Boobs

Half Breasted

Everthing bust the…

Vanilla, but with breast milk

They’d also have to change their logo since it has cows on it.  I imagine it would look something like this:

So there you have it folks.  Let’s pray that this never really happens.