The focus of a festival or competition for me is never about winning. I don’t think that is a helpful way to go into a contest situation. My first priority is networking. The line, “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win.” should, in my humble opinion, ever be used. Even if you win a competition your career only improves to the level of whatever connections you were able to make. Yeah, it would be nice to have the $25,000, but it would be even better to line up recurring gigs at different venues across the U.S. and Canada. Yuk Yuk’s has many locations across Canada and I think getting into those rooms would be a win for me.

Now, I’ve never been to this area of Canada. Actually my only Canada experience comes from the 5 hours I spent in Victoria, BC while I was on an Alaskan cruise. I have no idea how different Toronto will be from a city in the United States. If you have any pointers please let me know.

Get the album here.

Letters to people who annoy me: Volume 2

Dear Tiger Woods,

Nice story about your heroic wife busting out the window of your Escalade to save you from a fiery crash.  Why didn’t she just open the door?  And, what was she doing with a golf club at 2:30 in the morning?  Sounds like you might have a bigger problem on your hands than just meeting the deductible on your auto insurance.

Good luck with that,

Spencer King

Dear Michael McLean,

Every year you treat us to your show “The Forgotten Carols”. Did I say treat? What I meant was, charge people $25 bucks. I hate to be the one to say it, but there’s a reason those carols are forgotten.  Why would I pay $25 bucks to watch a group of four homeless men singing around an oil drum with a fire in it when I can go to Pioneer Park or behind the Gateway and see that for free?  When I saw your show there was a moth flying around the stage that was more interesting.

Still trying to forget,

Spencer King

ps. That hair piece isn’t fooling anyone.

Dear Kanye West,

Satan called.  He says he’ll give you your soul back if you just stop performing and go away. Also, he says your mom says ‘Hi’.

See you in hell,

Spencer King

Dear Barack Obama,

Thank you for the support that you’ve shown the troops overseas. It’s good to see that you will help those fighting in Afghanistan by sending 30,000 additional troops which are sorely needed.  I know you have a lot on your plate with fighting two wars and trying to decide what to do about Iran and North Korea.  Oh, by the way, congrats on your Nobel PEACE prize!!

A fan, and fellow warmonger,

Spencer King

Dear White House Secret Service,

Thank you for making it painfully obvious how easy it would be to get to the president of the United States.  I’m sure there are many people and organizations that are so excited to know that they too can send send someone to meet the President.  I’m pretty sure I could buy a better security  system from a young college student going door to door.

From inside the White House,

Spencer King

Dear Couple who snuck into the White House,

I’m impressed that you were able to get past the multiple security checkpoints without having to shimmy through an air duct.  I have two words for you: Jack Bauer.  It’s a good thing he isn’t real or right now you’d be in a bunker somewhere with broken kneecaps explaining where the bomb is.

If you try to sneak in my house I’ll shoot you,

Spencer King

"I'm a douche bag!"

Okay guys this is my video appeal to Spencer Pratt.  He wants to change his name to King Spencer Pratt which will really mess with my career.  Who knows, maybe this will help me out in some weird way and get people to discover my comedy.  I hope it does. But until then watch this video and help support the real Spencer King.

You got knocked the f**k out!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE college football?  I love it, love it, love it!  That’s why I get upset when something happens to make the game look bad.  Already the first week into the season we already have a disappointing incident.  At the end of the Oregon v. Boise St. game one of the Oregon players decided that he would take out his frustration about losing on one of the Boise St. players by cold cocking him in the face!  Now granted it was a pretty sweet punch, it should not have happened and I think those involved should be ashamed of themselves.

This COULD be a bad thing for Oregon, but I think that will depend on how Oregon spins this story.  That’s why I’ve come up with some new slogans for Oregon football:

- Oregon Football: If we don’t beat you on the field, we sure as hell will beat you off of it.

- Oregon Football: Making up for our uniforms by knocking people the f**k out!!

- Oregon Football: Hey! Remember that Michael Vick guy? Talk about him some more.

- Oregon Football: Putting the WHACK! on the WAC!

- Oregon Football: I break your face, bitch!!

- Oregon Football: Don’t f**k with the Duck!

- Oregon Football: Remember that pregnant man? That was worse.

- Oregon Football: How did that guy get into one of our uniforms?

- Oregon Football: Yeah, we got nothin’.

What do you think?  Any good?  Let me know which ones you liked and what other slogans might work.  I love to see the season started of with a bang, or a punch to the face.

Oregon Player Blount Punches Boise St. Player In Face – Watch more Funny Videos

Oregon Ducks LeGarrette Blount Punches Boise Player In The Face – Watch more Funny Videos

Open mics across the country are the proving grounds for the next generation of professional stand-up comedians.  Each week, wanna-be comics gather together 3 minutes of material and hit the stage, usually in front of mostly other wanna-be comics and a few drunk friends.  Out of the thousands that get up on stage, only a few will eventually leave to become professional comedians.  The rest will never get on stage again, and a few will become, what I like to call, Permanent Open Mic Douchebags.

POMDs are the guys that have been hitting the open mics for years and have never been on stage during what we call a “real show.”  They show up, go on stage, and tell the same 3 minutes of jokes that they have been telling for years.  They exist in every comedy scene in the country.  For those of you thinking about trying to do stand-up, I’ve compiled a list of rules and guidelines to keep you from becoming one of these POMDs.

Rule #1.  Be NICE.

No one likes an asshole.  If you’ve never been on stage before, don’t show up to an open mic thinking that you are going to be the next Dane Cook.  Probably, you’ll just get up there and try to act like Dane Cook and not get any laughs.  The industry is already full of Dane Cook imitators, we don’t need any more.  Also, professional comedians usually attend open mics when they want to try out new material.  I sure way to get nowhere in this business is to show up acting like you know everything and annoying the seasoned pros that you meet.  Connections are your most important tools in comedy, so I wouldn’t suggest burning bridges before you’ve even had a chance to build them.  Professional comedians hate open micers with a bad attitude.

Rule #2:  You’re NOT as funny as you think you are.

Expect to bomb your first time on stage.  Going in with this mindset makes it all the more enjoyable when you actually get some laughs.  You’ll probably get a few.  Don’t let that go to your head.  I’ve seen people do really well at their first open mic and then come back with an attitude of, “I’ve got this” and eat it on their second time around.  One thing that is common among most POMDs is that they sit around at open mics and complain about how they never get stage time at real shows.  If you find yourself in this boat chances are you aren’t that funny.  To make it in comedy you have to be constantly aware of the quality of your act.  Another complaint from POMDs is that 3 minutes isn’t enough time to be funny.  ”It takes me five minutes to get going.”  Well, then you aren’t ready to move on.  If you can’t be funny in 3 minutes I highly doubt you’ll do much better with 5, 10, or even 60 minutes.

Rule #3:  Write more jokes.

POMDs seem to never change their material.  I’ve seen guys come to open mics for 5 years doing the same 3 minutes of jokes.  If the jokes you are doing aren’t moving you to the next level, it’s time to write some new jokes.  Sometimes, guys will find a 3 minute set that does decently well on stage and just stick with it because they know they’ll get some laughs.  Most guest spots at a comedy club are 5 minutes.  No one is going to take you seriously if you never change your material.

Rule #4:  Respect your time limit.

The amount of time you have on stage varies at open mics across the country.  Usually you get about 3-5 minutes on stage.  One of the worst things you can do is go over your alloted time.  Usually, the open mic will have some sort of system in place to let you know that your time is up.  Make sure that before you go on stage you are aware of that system.  Once you get the signal that it’s time to be done, be prompt about getting on stage.  At most open mics there can be as many as 20-30 comics slated to take the stage.  It’s very frustrating to everyone when people start to extend their sets.

Rule #5:  Don’t act like you’re a professional comedian when you aren’t.

One thing that really annoys professional comedians is when people who only perform at open mics pretend that they are legitimate comics.  Trust me, people aren’t impressed when you tell them you’re a stand-up, so why lie about it?  If you’ve never made it past an open mic and performed on a regular stage don’t tell people you that’s what you do.  That’s a surefire way to banish yourself to the POMDs club.

This is just a short list so I hope it helps out some of you would-be comedians out there.

People who put their bare feet on the dash in the car

Dear PWPTBFOTDITCs,

I know you think it’s comfortable to put your bare feet up there in the warm sun.  I’ll bet you feel that you have attractive feet and would like to share them with everyone else on the road.  The truth is that when I see your feet on the dash I have a deep and brooding urge to swerve over into your lane and send you careening off the road into a ditch.  I hope you hit something and the airbag deploys, sending your knees right into your dumb face.

Sincerely,

the guy in the car next to you, Spencer King

Hispanic parents who let their kids run wild at restaurants

Dear padres estupidos,

I know your 4 year old daughter is very cute.  I can see her standing next to my table looking at me.  Normally I would appreciate the cuteness, but today I was looking forward to a quiet lunch by myself. When she starts asking me questions in Spanish, and trying to give me a mashed up package of club crackers it cuts into my quiet time.  It also doesn’t help that you yell at her from across the restaurant.  Please realize that I’m a nice guy and would never hurt a child, but eventually she will go up to the wrong person and the only time I’ll see her face is on the back of a milk carton.

Su amigo,

Spencer King

Spencer Pratt

Dear Douchebag,

You and I share the same first name.  This has caused my desire to kill myself to skyrocket.  Why can’t you just be a normal person and not a douchebag.  Every time I see you on TV I hope that a bear enters the scene and takes off with your head.  I think I speak on behalf of Spencers everywhere when I say that I wish you changed your name to Osama.  Seriously, I think right now this country hates you more than him.

Up yours,

Spencer (not a douchebag) King

Al Sharpton

Dear Al,

Why do you hate white people so much?  How come when Don Imus makes a joke about “nappy-headed hoes” on the radio you make sure he’s fired, but when Jamie Foxx makes a joke about someone raping Miley Cyrus you don’t say anything?  Also, why did you tell Michael Jackson’s kids that their father was normal, when the fact that you even had to mention that means he wasn’t normal?

Please cut your nappy hair.

Yours truly,

Spencer King

Lou Dobbs

Hey Dobbs,

Why do you hate Mexicans, and black people so much?  Also, please stop talking.  Never speak again.  This would bode well for the entire country.

Your half-Mexican friend,

Spencer King

Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President,

I still haven’t gotten that money you promised me when I voted for you. I know that you’re pretty busy handing out billions of dollars to bankers and states that voted for you, but I could really use that money soon.  I see that you like being on TV.  I wish I could be on TV too. But, then again, I’m a comedian and not the President of the United States.  I entertain people which would make sense why I was on TV.  You’re the President, shouldn’t you be fixing stuff?  I’m not a money guy, so I don’t know how this works, but I’m pretty sure that the way to get out of debt isn’t by throwing more money at the problem.  And just for the record, I believe you were born in Hawaii.

Aloha,

Spencer King

There you go folks.  This is just my first batch of open letters.  More to come as the time goes by.

Now all of you out there currently with braces or those of you who have had braces know that there are some extra rules you have to follow when eating. No gum with sugar, no popcorn, and no tortilla chips. Many of us choose to break most of these rules. However, out of the things you are allowed to eat there are a number of really annoying foods that tend to get stuck in between your braces and teeth which can make it awkward for you, especially if you happen to be eating in public. Here now, is my list of 5 things that are annoying to eat when you have braces.

5. Rice

Rice is served a number of different ways, but no matter what way it is served it can manage to get stuck in your braces. Luckily rice grains are smooth and can usually just be rinsed out with a touch of water. I love sushi, and therefore have to deal with this on a regular basis. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you’ll miss a grain and it’ll fall out a few hours later reminding you of the great meal you had.

4. Corn

Another vegetable is next on the list. Corn has a tendency to lodge into your braces pretty good. Have you ever tried eating corn on the cob with braces? It’s not fun and most of the time knocks off a few of your brackets.

3. Pinto/Black Beans

Now beans are a legume and not a vegetable but they still are annoying to eat while your mouth is full of metal. Beans have the tendency to slide above or below your braces and hug your gums. This fools your tongue into thinking that nothing is there when in fact, there’s a huge black or brown spot right on your smile. Usually some one has to point out that it’s there which is also embarassing.

2. Ground Beef

I love a good burger, but with braces I find that ground beef breaks down to the perfect size that makes it stick right between the braces and the teeth. Usually you can just swish it out with some water, but there are always a few chunks of meat that stay hidden until you go for that french kiss and end up sharing some of your burger with that other person. Good thing I’m married and she HAS to just deal with it.

1. Shredded Lettuce

Now, lettuce in a salad is usually fine because they are broad leaves of lettuce. I’m talking about that lettuce that looks like it went through a paper shredder. This stuff seems to have a life of its own when it gets in your mouth. Every time I eat it there is usually a piece or two that has managed to wrap itself numerous times around the metal band on my braces. This doesn’t just rinse off. It requires a trip to the bathroom and surgical precision in front of a mirror just to get rid of it. That’s why it’s number one.

Did I miss anything that you think should have been on this list?

For every 100 CD’s I sell online I’m going to give away an iPod Touch. After each sale of 100 I’ll have a drawing and choose a random email address to win the iPod. Once your email is in the database you’ll be automatically entered each time 100 sales are made. The best chance you’ll have at getting the iPod will be in the first drawing. After that, the odds get harder and harder. The great thing is, for $10 you get my album (which is hilarious) and the chance to win an iPod Touch*. Plus, this is the 32GB iPod Touch, not the 8GB.

So, the more albums that are sold, the more iPod drawings there will be.  Make sure you get the word out and let people know.

Get my album here!

*No purchase necessary, you can also sign up on my email list and be entered to win. Drawings will be held after each sale of 100 albums on the website. There is no guarantee of a drawing if 100 sales is not reached. Void where prohibited. You can enter with multiple emails, however once an individual has won a drawing they are no longer eligible for future drawings. Contest is open till this Spencer decides to not perform a drawing.  For questions send an email to info@spencerkingcomedian.com.  Apple, iPod, and iPod Touch trademarks are property of Apple.  Apple is not in any way affiliated with Spencer King, this website, or this contest.

“ways to hurt yourself”

I don’t condone masochism but apparently a few of them have made it to the site and hopefully my comedy was painful enough to satisfy their craving.

“women squirting milk”

Yeah… you aren’t going to find that on my website… at least not in video form which is what I assume they were looking for.  I’m sure they were sorely disappointed when they read my blog.

“#1 pot comedian in the country”

I’m pretty sure that title belongs to Tommy Chong, or Doug Benson.

“aids in milk from cows”

I’m pretty sure you can’t get AIDS from cows.  I don’t know why you’d be afraid of getting AIDS from milk, unless it was women’s breast milk that they happened to be squirting… maybe this guy should get together with the milk guy from above.

“can human women be impregnated by monkeys”

Sounds like someone had a crazy night the night before.  Just in case though, you should try Plan B.

“comedy that doesn’t make sense”

Something tells me that my site was high up in the search results on this one.

“pandas eating baby deer”

Oh I hope that’s a video on the web somewhere.  It would solidify my view that pandas are the most vicious beasts that roam the Earth!

“the comedian who fed his cow hamburger”

I’m not sure who that really was.  It wasn’t me, but it gives me something to do this week.

I’ll keep checking up and I will post other weird searches that lead people here.