Post Christmas Changes

It sure seems that I'm changing the layout of the blog a lot lately. That's because I find really cool things to add or I decide that something new will be better looking. I really like this design. There will probably be a few minor tweaks that will have to happen, but I think that we have a winner.

I've been spending the Christmas break at my in-laws house. They seem to enjoy having us here and I've enjoyed saving so much money on food. I'm working on some sketches for Decaf Comedy Jam, which is the comedy troupe I perform with. Also working on an idea for a play. I have an idea but I'll share it with everyone when I get it more developed.

CNN.com - Comedian Spencer King named Sexiest Funny Man Alive

Holy Crap! I made it on CNN! Whoa! Check it out here.

One of My Worst Nightmares

CNN is reporting about a truck that was carrying 480 bee colonies crashed outside of Las Vegas, releasing over 12 million bees into the area. Is it just me or would that be one of the most terrifying experiences of your life. Those who know me know that I hate bees. I mean I frickin hate 'em. They fly in your face all the time just messing with you. "Hey buddy look how close I can get to ya. Am I gonna sting ya? Who knows." And they buzz at you and freak you out.

12 million and I would probably just run into traffic screaming.

The collision spilled the bees and gallons of honey onto the highway and forced troopers to close the ramp for more than four hours.

Hell yeah the troopers had to close the offramp.

Captain: "Hey Bill, why don't you go take care of those bees?"
Bill: "Okay...Auggghh Augghhhhhh!"
Captain: "Hey maybe we better close it down for awhile."
Officer: "Shouldn't we get Bill?"
Captain: "Nah, he'll be alright."
Bill: "Auggghhh!"

One of the weirdest things that I think has happened in awhile.

Check the story here.

Birthday and Christmas Wishes

In the past for me, this has been a season of worldly possessions and selfishness. My birthday is Sunday the 19th, and then Christmas comes about a week later. It used to be that I focused on what I would 'get' and what people would do for me.

I remember one year I got mad at my mother because she made me walk home from school in the rain on my birthday. When I got home I really let her know how I felt, only to realize that the reason she didn't pick me up was because she was baking my birthday cake. Experiences like that and one experience that happened just recently have made me reflect on my motives during this time of year.

A person in my theatre department lost his father on Friday night in a car accident. I first felt sorrow for him and then guilt. I thought that it was weird. Why should I have felt guilty? I think it was because I had been so focused on myself that when brought to the knowledge of someone else's suffering, I realized where my focus had been.

Every year we hear stories about how peoples lives change because they realize what the real meaning behind the season is. I mean, "It's A Wonderful Life" is all about that. I don't think those kinds of movies and stories would effect us the way they do if they didn't convey some amount of truth.

Hopefully, this Christmas season I'll be able to focus on what I can do to help others and ease their burdens. That is how you can truly become happy.

Yet another change

Well, I thought I'd give the three column look a try. That way, I can put cool stuff on the sides and you can look at it without having to scroll down for a million years. Let me know what you think.

Guess the Dictator or Sit-Com Character

Guess the Dictator or Sit-Com Character

This is one of the coolest things I've ever seen!

CNN.com - Regis to host 'New Year's Rockin' Eve'

Question: How do you make one of the lamest New Year's Eve shows even lamer?

Answer: Take away the 75 year old, decaying host and bring in one of the most annoying people on television.

Of all the people in the world that they could get to replace Dick "I-can't-believe-I'm-still-alive" Clark, they choose Regis "Is-that-your-final-answer" Philbin. This has to be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

There is no way that this will be a good program. I know that Regis is a decent T.V. personality but he is far from "hip".

Philbin said, "It's the greatest 'temp job' in the world. I just hope I can uphold the standards Dick Clark has set for this annual event..."

Regis, as long as you stay alive you'll be living up to my expectations. Every year I wonder if Dick Clark is gonna croak during the countdown. "Five...four...three...auuugghghg!" Looks like he won't be having a new year.

I never watch the program anyway. I'll probably stay up till midnight with my wife and as soon as it happens I'll go to bed. My life is so exciting!

Oh, how I hate finals week!

I along with most of the country's however-many college students I am getting ready for finals. Mine are happening next week and I'm starting to feel a little stressed. I'm taking 15 hours this semester which, for me, is a large load. I do feel somewhat hypocritical about complaining because this has actually been my easiest semester ever.

Three theatre classes take up 9 of the 15 credits. You ever notice how a person who does theatre spells it 're' and anybody else spells it 'er'? Anyway, I honestly think those classes are almost impossible to fail. As long as you show up, you'll pass. It really is quite amazing at how much people have to go through during this time though. My wife has been going nuts! She comes home exhausted everyday. She is a physiology and developmental biology major, so her classes are probably a lot harder.

I do have a couple of short papers that I left until the last minute. I'll do those on Saturday or Sunday probably. I don't know why I can't ever get stuff done right away. I'm always waiting until the last possible moment. Oh well, I just have to do things the way I do them.

Another Episode of Retardedness

I don't usually do too many stupid things...okay...stop laughing. Let's just say that when I do something stupid I'm usually pretty honest about it. Yesterday, for example, marked the entrance into a new and uncharted realm of retardedness that I have not had the pleasure of experiencing. That realm, is realm of delayed reactions.

Delayed reactions occur when ever something stimulates you, but your body doesn't respond until later. Double takes are examples of this on a very small scale. What happened yesterday was much more complex. We had a little theatre gathering at UVSC that included refreshments at the conclusion. I held in my hands a napkin, two cookies, and a cup of juice. They were easily quite manageable for any normal person.

My act of severe retardedness occurred when a girl bumped into me. It would have been mildly retarded to just drop the cookies and drink. This would have been somewhat acceptable. Instead; nothing. Nothing happened. She said 'excuse me' and went on her way. I didn't drop anything and everything appeared to be okay. That's when retardedness struck.

Moments later I found myself bobbling my cookies and drink, and then; D'OH! I dropped them on the floor. No one had touched me for a good ten seconds. I really wish I could have seen what it looked like. So I figured out that all it could have been was a severely delayed reaction from that girl who bumped into me. That was retarded.

CNN.com - Man killed by 'pet' wildebeest

Okay, I know that I shouldn't make light of the death of a fellow human being, but, oh it's just too easy! I just kept thinking of 'Anger Management' when Jack Nicholson was talking and he goes "Wiiiildebeest". Ha Ha!

'Ouch' though.
Click here for a killer wildebeest.

Also check this out.
CNN.com - Police: Woman hit teens after golf ball struck car

Psycho. She is frickin psycho. I don't even wanna know what she was thinking. Sometimes I joke about hitting pedestrians but I never do it. Of course, I don't look like this either.

Where's Waldo?

Hey guys, check out our first Decaf Comedy Jam Video production. It's great.

Where's Waldo?

p.s. I did all the camera work.

A Real Jackass

One thing inevitably happens during the Christmas season. Retailers all over the country start to launch their holiday themed commercials and annoy the crap out of anyone trying to relax and watch the television.

Of these commercials there is one especially that annoys the crap out of me. This commercial is from Old Navy of course. While I love their clothes, and own many pants and shirts from there, they have to be the rulers of annoying commercials. This Christmas seems to be no exception. Every time I hear "Hey there Jenny, what's up?" My wife and I dive for the remote to hit the mute button. Ughh...

Of course GAP has weird commercials as well. This year they are not so bad except that they have had a few celebrities that I don't think fit the GAP persona. Actually, it's really just one: Johnny Knoxville. The creator and star of the show "Jackass" hasn't been known for his style of clothes. Here he is in the commercial though, all GAPped up. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe if he were taking shots to the groin from Sarah Jessica Parker who is also in the commercial, that would make sense.

Santa and Child Labor

Well, since it's the Christmas season I thought I'd spice up the blog a little bit. I also thought that I could reach back into the archives for a very funny post I wrote last year. It's a Christmas classic. I hope you enjoy it.

Each year during the Christmas season, millions of kids all over the world are blessed by one individual who sacrifices everything in his life to make the children happy. Who is this man who supposedly has such great love for the children of the world? None other than Santa Claus. This jolly, old, fat white man dressed in red flies throughout the world giving presents to millions of 'good' children every year.

Just how the heck is he able to make that many presents over the course of a year? Surely he can't do it by himself. Society has accepted the fact that to accomplish this enormous task, Santa enlists the help of a group of magical and small creatures; the elves. These little people are said to help Santa build all the toys that Santa dishes out to the children each year, but I have discovered something about these 'elves'. THEY DON'T EXIST!

As shocking as that might be for some of you readers out there it is the cold hard truth. Elves are mythical creatures and if they did exist they'd probably be more like the elves from the Lord of the Rings movies and not some little midgets. So then who does make the toys for Santa? The answer will shock and horrify you. All these years Santa has been using child labor to make his toys! That's right. Santa, the jolly old elf himself, has lied to the world trying to pass off his free child labor as a group of made up creatures.

These poor kids are forced to work in freezing conditions up in the north pole where they work 16 hour days and get very little to eat. Santa gets his kids from his 'bad' list. He kidnaps them and forces them to eat a special blend of soup made from reindeer fur and holly which stunts the childs growth. They cannot die of natural causes and are forced into slave labor in Santas horrific toy building shop. The only way out is death by accident or suicide.

The world chooses to ignore this information and various world leaders have even held secret meetings and decided that kids on the 'bad' list deserve it. Is it right for this to go on? No, its not. So I have decided to campaign against Santa and his child-laboring fat can. Together we can rid the world of Santa and his tyranny.

CNN.com - U.S. senator wants Annan to resign as U.N. leader - but I think I have a better idea.

Finally, as a result of the whole oil-for-food scanal, a Republican Senator has called for the resignation of Koffi (I-swear-I-didn't know-my-son-was-getting-money) Annan.

Some conservative pundits have actually made the suggestion of a new international organization of free, democratic, and only democratic, countries to replace the U.N. While I don't neccesarily agree with the latter statement I do think that Koffi (I-swear-I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about) Annan needs to take responsibility for allowing this to happen on his watch.
It will be just like how we blame the President for things that happen on his watch even though he probably had no clue about it.

Mostly I feel that the Republicans are crying foul because they know that the Democrats have close ties to the U.N. and a scandal in the U.N. makes the Dems look bad. While a scandal in the U.N. has international repercussions I think that the Republicans are trying to take the most advantage of it.

Maybe a changing of the guard is in order. Perhaps a new international organization could be formed. If it was made up of only free democratic countries, then we could call it something like...oh...how 'bout, "The United States and Pals" or "The Organization of Countries that will Bomb your Ass if you Piss us off cuz we got all the guns"? That just about sounds like the type of organization that would form.

Basically what I'm saying is maybe the U.N. should be tweaked ever so slightly so that things like this wouldn't happen. We don't need a replacement. If we had punishments for people in charge who let this happen I don't think it would as much. Maybe get some of those guys from Singapore. "Hey Koffi, bend over buddy." WHACK! WHACK! "Now go and be a good boy."