So people are always asking me, “How does one get into stand-up comedy?”  I tell them, “First decide that you don’t care about money or fame or happiness, and then go to an open mic.”

Open mics across the country are the proving grounds for the next generation of professional stand-up comedians.  Each week, wanna-be comics gather together 3 minutes of material and hit the stage, usually in front of mostly other wanna-be comics and a few drunk friends.  Out of the thousands that get up on stage, only a few will eventually leave to become professional comedians.  The rest will never get on stage again, and a few will become, what I like to call, Permanent Open Mic Douchebags.

POMDs are the guys that have been hitting the open mics for years and have never been on stage during what we call a “real show.”  They show up, go on stage, and tell the same 3 minutes of jokes that they have been telling for years.  They exist in every comedy scene in the country.  For those of you thinking about trying to do stand-up, I’ve compiled a list of rules and guidelines to keep you from becoming one of these POMDs.

Rule #1.  Be NICE.

No one likes an asshole.  If you’ve never been on stage before, don’t show up to an open mic thinking that you are going to be the next Dane Cook.  Probably, you’ll just get up there and try to act like Dane Cook and not get any laughs.  The industry is already full of Dane Cook imitators, we don’t need any more.  Also, professional comedians usually attend open mics when they want to try out new material.  I sure way to get nowhere in this business is to show up acting like you know everything and annoying the seasoned pros that you meet.  Connections are your most important tools in comedy, so I wouldn’t suggest burning bridges before you’ve even had a chance to build them.  Professional comedians hate open micers with a bad attitude.

Rule #2:  You’re NOT as funny as you think you are.

Expect to bomb your first time on stage.  Going in with this mindset makes it all the more enjoyable when you actually get some laughs.  You’ll probably get a few.  Don’t let that go to your head.  I’ve seen people do really well at their first open mic and then come back with an attitude of, “I’ve got this” and eat it on their second time around.  One thing that is common among most POMDs is that they sit around at open mics and complain about how they never get stage time at real shows.  If you find yourself in this boat chances are you aren’t that funny.  To make it in comedy you have to be constantly aware of the quality of your act.  Another complaint from POMDs is that 3 minutes isn’t enough time to be funny.  ”It takes me five minutes to get going.”  Well, then you aren’t ready to move on.  If you can’t be funny in 3 minutes I highly doubt you’ll do much better with 5, 10, or even 60 minutes.

Rule #3:  Write more jokes.

POMDs seem to never change their material.  I’ve seen guys come to open mics for 5 years doing the same 3 minutes of jokes.  If the jokes you are doing aren’t moving you to the next level, it’s time to write some new jokes.  Sometimes, guys will find a 3 minute set that does decently well on stage and just stick with it because they know they’ll get some laughs.  Most guest spots at a comedy club are 5 minutes.  No one is going to take you seriously if you never change your material.

Rule #4:  Respect your time limit.

The amount of time you have on stage varies at open mics across the country.  Usually you get about 3-5 minutes on stage.  One of the worst things you can do is go over your alloted time.  Usually, the open mic will have some sort of system in place to let you know that your time is up.  Make sure that before you go on stage you are aware of that system.  Once you get the signal that it’s time to be done, be prompt about getting on stage.  At most open mics there can be as many as 20-30 comics slated to take the stage.  It’s very frustrating to everyone when people start to extend their sets.

Rule #5:  Don’t act like you’re a professional comedian when you aren’t.

One thing that really annoys professional comedians is when people who only perform at open mics pretend that they are legitimate comics.  Trust me, people aren’t impressed when you tell them you’re a stand-up, so why lie about it?  If you’ve never made it past an open mic and performed on a regular stage don’t tell people you that’s what you do.  That’s a surefire way to banish yourself to the POMDs club.

This is just a short list so I hope it helps out some of you would-be comedians out there.

So, the weird part about doing comedy for me is that my material tends to come in waves. I’ll have a few weeks where I can use all the jokes I write during that time. After the short burst of creative genius, I’m visited by a drought that usually lasts a month or two. During this material drought I can’t seem to write anything that is even halfway decent. During this time I usually do a couple of open mics that go horribly awry. Tonight was a good example. I actually tried to do a bit that I came up with while on stage in a dream! In the dream the joke killed and when I woke up I couldn’t figure out why it would even be funny. But, I’m stupid and decided to try it out on stage in front of a real audience and, well, I was right when I woke up. It wasn’t funny at all.

So, I’m left to figure out what it is about those short periods of time when everything I seem to write works. Since I don’t have an outside perspective on myself I can’t rely on just what I think. That’s when I have to go to the people I trust: The Muppets.

The Muppets have never steered me wrong. Ever since I was a little kid I looked to them for messages of wisdom that would help me guide my life in the right direction. They helped me learn important life lessons like, “It’s not easy being green,” which has helped me avoid sickness by ingesting too much green food coloring and not getting to close to Irish people. I’ve also learned that occasionally some people won’t like what you do. They’ll ridicule you and mock you. But you can’t let that phase you because they’re old, and what they say doesn’t matter at all. That’s why I don’t trust people over 65. Other people see them as older, wiser people. I see them as obstacles in the way of my path to greatness.

However, I think the most important lesson I’ve learned from Muppets is this: The most important person is the one pulling the strings. See what happens when you take a puppeteer away from a Muppet. It doesn’t do anything. So, I just have to figure out who’s pulling the strings in my life. I’ve narrowed it down to two people. The first is a guy named Gerry Liebman. He lives on the Jersey shore and operates a small fishing business. The second is Chuck Norris.

I know that I’m going to have to work hard to usurp the control these guys have on my life. It’s just that I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle the controls once I get them. I didn’t come with an owner’s manual so I’m pretty sure I’ll have a steep learning curve to work through.

So Gerry, if you’re out there, or Chuck Norris, whoever may be the one controlling my destiny, I’d really like to be successful sometime soon. Please hurry up with that.

Big Budah

Well, I got up at 4:45 this morning to do a spot on a local morning show to highlight “The Night of Fools” which will help the Utah Food Bank.  I didn’t realize how tired I was till I watched the clip later and realized that I had no energy at all during this segment.  Also, I don’t get on TV all that much so I’m not used to it.  Well, here it is in case you missed it.

Hope you like it.

Here’s the scoop.  My new album, “Pleasantly Irreverent,” is ready to go digitally.  What this means is that I can sell a downloadable copy on my website and make money from it.  In order to get physical CD’s made I’m going to need about $2000 for the printing and CD duplication.  This is where you come in.  What I’m offering is an Associate Producer credit to the first 200 people who buy a digital copy of the album.  What this means is that, on the physical CD, I’ll have a section that credits all those people who help me pay to get the CD made up.  Also, they would get a free copy of the physical CD itself which will include a few bonus tracks and some other good stuff that will be a surprise. (Not a computer virus)

Buy the album here!

I’ve also included a donation button if you happen to be feeling extra generous and would like to be a bigger Associate Producer than the other people.  This is a unique opportunity for you to help me get the word out.

Thanks to all those who are going to buy this album.  Did I mention it’s pretty damn funny?

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how I can make the move to doing comedy full-time.  It’s a very hard step to make because in order to make a living you need to have a lot of bookings.  Right now, I don’t have a lot of bookings.  I’ve been trying to use all my connections to my advantage and get into certain rooms.  In some places I’ve been succesful, but I still have a long way to go until I can even break even doing comedy full-time.

I have learned an important lesson of comedy:  You have to do things for yourself.  There aren’t a lot of comedians out there that are willing to put their neck out on the line to help someone make the next step in the business.  There are a few of those guys around and they are awesome, but you have to make your own luck and work your butt off making your own connections.

So hopefully, I’ll make the connections I need to get out on the road more.  I have been getting advice from a lot of good comics which is something I appreciate.  One thing a comic is never short on is advice.  Everyone seems to have their own theories on how the business works and it’s a little different for everybody.  The trick is finding what works for you.

Well, I’m rambling on here and I guess I better finish it up.  I’ll just keep working hard and hope that eventually it’ll pay off.

Laughs Comedy Spot is one of my favorite places to work.  Here’s some pics:

Thanks to Stiffy’s for putting on this show.

The top five ended up as such:  Todd Johnson, Seth Perry, Spencer King, Tommy Savitt, Susan Jones

Other pics and results coming soon.

So tonight was the first round of the Rocky Mountain Laugh Off.  It was held in Rock Springs, Wyoming at Johnny Macs which is a great bar room.  Now, I’m not a bar comic so I knew this wasn’t going to be my best night going into it.  However, I still could have had a better set.  I didn’t wait for the chatter to die down so I didn’t have the attention of the crowd and it cost me.  I felt like i was judged appropriately though.  What’s really exciting about this year’s laugh off is that the talent level is very good.  I don’t think there’s one person that’s going to run away with it and that makes the competition a lot more interesting.  Rounding out the top five for tonight.

5.  Neil Hiatt
4.  Greg Kyte
3.  Jesse Case, Dave Metcalfe, Tony Moshetto, Xung Lum
2.  Guy Siedel
1.  Sina Amedson

Alot more to come.  This is gonna be a great competition.

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Tonight will be the beginning of a six night comedy event of great magnitude:  The Rocky Mountain Laugh Off.  Comedians from across the country will engage in a battle of jokes.  I will be participating for the third time.  I will also be blogging from the shows and keeping you up to date on the results.  It should be a fun week and I’m sure I’ll make new friends and have a great time.

I encourage you to check out any of the shows if you can make it.  You’ll get to see 15 great comedians.  To check out the schedule you can visit the Wiseguy’s website or check out my shows section.