So people are always asking me, “How does one get into stand-up comedy?”  I tell them, “First decide that you don’t care about money or fame or happiness, and then go to an open mic.”

Open mics across the country are the proving grounds for the next generation of professional stand-up comedians.  Each week, wanna-be comics gather together 3 minutes of material and hit the stage, usually in front of mostly other wanna-be comics and a few drunk friends.  Out of the thousands that get up on stage, only a few will eventually leave to become professional comedians.  The rest will never get on stage again, and a few will become, what I like to call, Permanent Open Mic Douchebags.

POMDs are the guys that have been hitting the open mics for years and have never been on stage during what we call a “real show.”  They show up, go on stage, and tell the same 3 minutes of jokes that they have been telling for years.  They exist in every comedy scene in the country.  For those of you thinking about trying to do stand-up, I’ve compiled a list of rules and guidelines to keep you from becoming one of these POMDs.

Rule #1.  Be NICE.

No one likes an asshole.  If you’ve never been on stage before, don’t show up to an open mic thinking that you are going to be the next Dane Cook.  Probably, you’ll just get up there and try to act like Dane Cook and not get any laughs.  The industry is already full of Dane Cook imitators, we don’t need any more.  Also, professional comedians usually attend open mics when they want to try out new material.  I sure way to get nowhere in this business is to show up acting like you know everything and annoying the seasoned pros that you meet.  Connections are your most important tools in comedy, so I wouldn’t suggest burning bridges before you’ve even had a chance to build them.  Professional comedians hate open micers with a bad attitude.

Rule #2:  You’re NOT as funny as you think you are.

Expect to bomb your first time on stage.  Going in with this mindset makes it all the more enjoyable when you actually get some laughs.  You’ll probably get a few.  Don’t let that go to your head.  I’ve seen people do really well at their first open mic and then come back with an attitude of, “I’ve got this” and eat it on their second time around.  One thing that is common among most POMDs is that they sit around at open mics and complain about how they never get stage time at real shows.  If you find yourself in this boat chances are you aren’t that funny.  To make it in comedy you have to be constantly aware of the quality of your act.  Another complaint from POMDs is that 3 minutes isn’t enough time to be funny.  ”It takes me five minutes to get going.”  Well, then you aren’t ready to move on.  If you can’t be funny in 3 minutes I highly doubt you’ll do much better with 5, 10, or even 60 minutes.

Rule #3:  Write more jokes.

POMDs seem to never change their material.  I’ve seen guys come to open mics for 5 years doing the same 3 minutes of jokes.  If the jokes you are doing aren’t moving you to the next level, it’s time to write some new jokes.  Sometimes, guys will find a 3 minute set that does decently well on stage and just stick with it because they know they’ll get some laughs.  Most guest spots at a comedy club are 5 minutes.  No one is going to take you seriously if you never change your material.

Rule #4:  Respect your time limit.

The amount of time you have on stage varies at open mics across the country.  Usually you get about 3-5 minutes on stage.  One of the worst things you can do is go over your alloted time.  Usually, the open mic will have some sort of system in place to let you know that your time is up.  Make sure that before you go on stage you are aware of that system.  Once you get the signal that it’s time to be done, be prompt about getting on stage.  At most open mics there can be as many as 20-30 comics slated to take the stage.  It’s very frustrating to everyone when people start to extend their sets.

Rule #5:  Don’t act like you’re a professional comedian when you aren’t.

One thing that really annoys professional comedians is when people who only perform at open mics pretend that they are legitimate comics.  Trust me, people aren’t impressed when you tell them you’re a stand-up, so why lie about it?  If you’ve never made it past an open mic and performed on a regular stage don’t tell people you that’s what you do.  That’s a surefire way to banish yourself to the POMDs club.

This is just a short list so I hope it helps out some of you would-be comedians out there.

Mitch Hedberg was one of the brilliant minds in comedy. I’m really looking forward to hearing his stuff. Even if it wasn’t polished, it’s a lot better than some of the crap that’s out there today.

The New York Times had a great article about him. STORY

Laugh’s Comedy Spot, in Kirkland, WA will be one of the clubs that will be having a release party. I just played there this past weekend and had a great time. If you’re able to go to one of those shows do it. For the rest of us we’ll just have to get the album as soon as it’s available.

I believe in Gosh, Mitch. I believe.