Who inspires me? Who gets me off my butt and working? I’m sure none of you out there really even care. I’m sure you don’t think about what gets Spencer King motivated, but I’m going to tell you who five of my role models are. It’s definitely an interesting list.

1.  Simon Cowell

The fact that Simon can tell people that they suck right to their face makes me want to do the same thing to other people.  Unfortunately I don’t have the balls to do that.  I usually just harbor feelings of resentment and loathing.  Simon does it with such ease, probably because he has a lot of money.  So what I’ve learned from Simon is, if you have enough money, you can tell people what you really think of them.

2.  George W. Bush

A lot of people rip on GW, saying things like, “He’s the worst president ever.”, or, “He should be executed.”  I don’t like do the hip thing.  The reason he is a role model for me is that because, no matter what, he doesn’t give a crap about what people think of him.  When people said he was evil, he just took it.  When people said he was a murderer, he just took it.  And when people starting singing “Hey hey hey, goodbye!” as he left the White House, he just took it.  Now that’s a person who doesn’t care about what other people think!

3.  Amy Winehouse

What I learn from Amy is this:  Even though you’re totally baked on crack, you can still make money, and then use that money to buy more crack.  I just change the word ‘crack’ to ‘investments’ and it makes it a feasible goal.  So, I’m trying to use my investments to make other investments.  Amy also helps me know that even ugly people can be successful.

4.  Dick Cheney

Here’s a guy who is hated buy millions, and shot his friend in the face.  Not necessarily a great role model, but check this.  He shot his friend in the face and the guy is still his friend.  That teaches me that a real friend is someone you can shoot in the face and they’ll still hang out with you.  Now I have an easy, entertaining way to find out who my real friends are.  So if you’re really my friend and you see me with an airsoft gun, just brace yourself and know that I love you.

5.  Milo, my cat

My cat is a great guy.  I wish I could be more like him.  He can lick his own crotch which is an amazing skill.  He can also lick his own back.  I tried that yesterday and now I can’t turn my head to the right.  Besides his incredible flexibility there are other traits he has that I wish to emulate.  He has the ability to get my wife to scratch his head.  I don’t know how he does it.  Every time I try to get my wife to scratch my head she makes a face and continues her activities on Facebook.  I’m still trying to teach Milo English so he can tell me his secret.

Now, I’m sure that you have people you try to model your life after.  Who are they?  And, why are they not as good as mine?

I'm going to eat you!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I can’t believe it is already that time of year when all we want to do is stuff our faces with lots and lots of turkey. Then we can just sit back relax and watch a good football game.  Of course the Cowboys and the Lions aren’t doing too well this year. So, instead of watching a football game I’ll probably just watch my father-in-law sleep on the couch and take pictures of his open, drooling mouth.

During this time of year I like to think about those things that I am thankful for.  And now, my Top Ten List of Things I’m Thankful For in 2008:

10.  My cat, Milo.  Every time I forget what pain is, you remind me.

9.  Tina Fey.  Thank you for being sexy AND smart.

8.  Jessica Simpson.  Thank you for being sexy and making ME feel smart.

7.  Whoever decided to put a slice of raw fish on some rice and then charge a sickeningly high price for it.

6.  Sarah Palin.  Thanks for opening your mouth and slitting the throat of the Republican party.

5.  Prison Break and Heroes.  Thanks for showing us how to drag out seemingly simple plots into never-ending black holes of ridiculous storylines and stupid twists.

4.  Twinkies

3.  My sister.  Thanks for having your baby and taking the pressure off me to produce grandchildren.

2.  Comedy.  Thanks for being a cruel and sexy temptress that no matter what I do, I can’t get enough of it.

1.  My wife.  Seriously, if I didn’t put her at number one I’d be in serious trouble.

Well, there you have it folks I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.  Be safe and don’t forget to come see a show when I come to your town.

Well, if you’re like me and your wife went to bed at 9:45 at night on Halloween because she was mad at you for some strange reason that doesn’t seem like a big deal but apparently it is because your wife is mad and going to bed early and now you’re stuck at a computer typing, then you know how fun it can be.

Halloween is that wonderful time of year that women dress like whores and children roam the block peddling house to house for candy which they let their parents check before they eat it. Really all parents do is just take out the good candy and leave their children with those stupid styrofoam peanut things. I’m surprised more parents don’t fall ill from snatching candy out of their kids bags.

Before my wife got angry with me tonight we did get to see a theatrical rendition of the 1922 vampire classic, Nosferatu. It was frighteningly good. After that is when something happened, and my wife is now asleep and I’m out here in the living room typing. Hmm, I’ll probably have to sleep out here too. Anywho, just thought you’d like to see a photo from that theatrical production so enjoy that.

Remember folks, Halloween is scary, especially when your wife is mad.

As many of you probably guessed from all my Twitter posts and Facebook status changes I’m sick.  I get these annoying colds and they really tend to happen at inopportune times.  This week I’ll be chilling with Norm Macdonald on Friday night.  Hopefully I don’t get him sick.  Maybe he’ll see that I’m sick and be like, “Back of, Sicko!”  And I will cower in shame because one of my heroes just yelled at me.  Speaking of Heroes, I am really enjoying the new season.  My wife is totally confused by what’s happening and that is understandable since she is a woman and doesn’t understand all the little nuances of super-powers and time travel.

Anywho, back to being sick.  It started Monday night, when I felt that little prick in the throat. (Get your mind out of the gutter!)  I knew it was coming on and that it would be an annoying next couple of days.  What really bothers me about being sick is the fact that I don’t feel like doing anything.  I don’t want to write or work on the website or anything like that.  It is nice to receive all this sympathy from my wife.  It really is nice to have her get me things and be super nice.  I should be sick more often!  Not really though.

So for those of you out ther who think I’m being a wuss.  Here’s a big middle finger from me to you.  I hope you get the flu.

CNN has a very interesting article about couples who literally can’t stand sleeping in the same bed with each other. Now I’ve been married four years and I can kind of understand what they are talking about. Here’s my story:

My wife and I have very different schedules. I’m a night owl. At about 10:30 at night I’m wide awake and getting ready to enjoy a few hours of comedy on TV. My wife, however, is ready to crash right then. That’s when our little dance begins. She’ll start to ask, “Are you sure you don’t want to come to bed?” Now if this meant sex, I’d be there in a heartbeat. But what she really means is, “Hey, I’m going to be cold and I need your legs to help warm up my feet.” I don’t have any desire for my legs to be used as a hot pad, so I politely decline. She usually doesn’t like this and will then ask, “Why don’t you ever come to bed right now?” See above. Sometimes my wife decides to fall asleep on the couch with her head on my lap. I like this sometimes, but some other times it can be very annoying. Once she’s asleep, I can’t move. If I do move and wake her up, she gets mad. “Why did you wake me up?! I was sleeping, jerk!” To remedy this situation I usually have to watch ‘Family Guy‘. My wife hates it and the mere sound of it will send her fleeing to the bedroom grumbling the whole way.

Finally, I’m tired enough to go to bed. Now comes the interesting part of trying to get into be without waking the dormant beast. Occasionally, I’ll enter the room and am greeting with some weird request or phrase. This means that my wife is asleep but has decided to hold a conversation with me.

“Hey, you have to share the shower.”

“What?”

“You have to share the shower.”

I decide to play along.

“Share it with who?”

“With me.”

“Okay.”

Now, at this point I can just lay down and laugh to myself that my wife says retarded things while sleeping, or I can push my luck and try to ask her more questions. I’m stupid, so I ask more questions.

“Why do we have to share the shower?”

“What?”

“Why do we have to share the shower?”

“Leave me alone.”

This is when she wakes up. Of course she’s mad and she leans over and cocks her arm, ready to fire.

“Seriously, leave me alone or get out of here.”

Taking the cue, I go to sleep on the couch. I like my couch.

So, I’m trying to be healthier, which is a problem because I love food that is bad for me. So, to hopefully help me out a little bit I’ve taken advantage of my wife’s job at a supplement company and have begun to take supplements. Supposedly, the reason to take supplements is to give your body nutrients that it’s missing from normal eating. That’s why they’re called supplements. They supplement nutrients. At least that’s what I’ve come to believe.

The problem with supplements is that there are many different kinds. You have to decide which ones are going to provide you with the right nutrients. Or, if you’re like me, you just take a whole butt load of them. Right now I’m currently taking eight different supplements. Here they are in no particular order:

Green Tea: This is supposed to make you not fat. Also provides you with anti-oxidants. I don’t know what anti-oxidents are, but I’ve watched enough commercials to know that oxidants are bad.

Cholesterol Reducer: Not sure this really does anything, but it’s better than eating a bowl of oatmeal every morning.

Fish Oil: Provides Omega-3′s which also lower cholesterol. Did I mention I have high cholesterol?

Spirulina: This is an algae and is a good source of protein. It’s also green and I count this as my vegetable for the day.

Pro-biotics: This is basically a type of bacteria that helps digestion. Have you ever seen those Activia commercials where Jamie Lee Curtis talks about how the yogurt helps her crap good?

Metabolism booster: This helps you process food faster. It also is supposed to help you lose weight. So far I haven’t seen any results.

Vitamin C: I take this to keep my immune system in check. I shake hands with a lot of people, and I’m sure some of them down’t wash after they poop.

Regular Multi-vitamin: I take this in case there’s something I’m missing. I’m sure most of the nutrients I get from here are just pissed away.

So, as you can see supplements are basically a whole meal for me. This helps if you wanna lose weight. Eventually, I believe everyone will eat through pill form and food as we know it will disappear. Probably not though.

So, my wife is obsessed with this show on TLC. It’s called Jon and Kate Plus 8 and it’s about these people who had a set of twins, decided to have one more and ended up with sextuplets. Did I mention that these are real people and not a sitcom?

Anyway, I’m starting to get worried that my wife’s obsession with this show will leak into our relationship and she’ll want to have eight kids. This would not be a good idea. I don’t think I could handle that, plus Jon on the show totally gets owned by his wife. He is so submissive to her (probably cuz she neutered him after they had sextuplets).

That being said, Jon and Kate are really good parents. They take an active interest in each of their children which you sometimes don’t see from parents who only have one kid. (btw, while I am writing this Kate just smacked Jon on the back of the head)

So , hopefully my wife and I won’t be having eight kids, but let it be a lesson to all of you out there that just want ‘one’ more. You’ll probably have sextuplets.